The “Dance” Ends

[from the archives]

In my previous post I described a habitual relational interchange that was relatively frequent between my youngest two children. Josiah would like to tell Lizzy how something should be done, Lizzy would ignore him, Josiah would become frustrated and finally try to grab what ever it was, Lizzy would deflect and body block, and an outburst of some kind would ensue. This interchange wasn’t limited to the kitchen as I described in my last post.  It sometimes happened at the computer where they were working together on a 3D LEGO model where the mouse was the object of struggle. At times it would be over a LEGO building or town that they were working on together or a LEGO-mation movie they were making together. After much practice at this sinful interchange, they began to skip some of the steps, so that Josiah’s grabbing was simultaneous with his idea, and Lizzy’s clinging body-blocking resistance happened whenever she thought he might have an idea.

We like to refer to sinful habitual relational interchanges like this as a “dance”. We call it a “dance” because it has certain steps in a certain order, and each person has their sinful part. It never happens alone, and often a “dance” is particular to two specific people. Josiah didn’t enter this “dance” with anyone else in our home. Lizzy tried the ignoring thing with others, but it was never as successful so she began to limit it to Josiah. “Dances” continue where both parties continue to sin against each other. Most married couples develop a “Dance” of their own. The “dance” stops when at least one of the “dancers” stops sinning. Parents in sin develop relational “dances” with their children, sometimes a different “dance” with each child depending on the child’s sinful patterns.

I began talking more pointedly with each of them about their own sinful part in their “dance” and how they had broken trust. I talked with Josiah about his insistence on his way of doing things. I encouraged him in his desire for efficiency, and his ability to explain a better way. These are God-given strengths in him. However, he was twisting these strengths in selfishness, trying to force Lizzy into his way. I encouraged him to make sure to express his ideas with words, but he must do it in love allowing Lizzy to disagree with him. I helped him to see his desire to control Lizzy and pointed him toward his conscience, where I knew he was experiencing guilt about his controlling motivation, and self-seeking intention, and the resulting sinful relational habit of attempting to grab things from her.

Over time and with many conversations, I helped him to see that it was reasonable for Lizzy to have developed a block-and-cling reaction to him because of his habitual behavior of grabbing. I talked to him how it would take quite a long time for her to stop that behavior, even if he stopped grabbing, because he had broken her trust over and over. In order for her to begin to trust, he would have to NEVER do that again. Trust is quickly broken, but it takes a long time to build it back.

I gave Josiah a way to handle Lizzy’s sin. I instructed him to clearly speak his idea, and if she ignored him, he was to say without emotion, “Lizzy, did you hear what I said?” If she continued to give him no response, he was to come talk to me about it. In this way Josiah remained in right relationship with Lizzy, and I could go and deal with her sin. I encouraged him to begin to build trust with Lizzy by committing to NEVER grab from her again. I told him that one slip up would destroy any trust that he had begun to build.

I talked with Lizzy about the unkindness of giving no response to others. I told her it was reasonable for Josiah to have developed his grabbing from her because she had broken his trust. She habitually ignored him. She expressed to me that she didn’t want to do things Josiah’s way. I told her that it was alright to disagree with Josiah, but she must communicate with him with words in a loving way. They could not have a reasonable discussion about it if she did not acknowledge him. It was her way of controlling him. I talked to her about how unloving it was to treat Josiah that way. If she wanted him to trust her and not grab, she would have to NEVER ignore him again. It would take time to build that trust.

After having several of these sorts of conversations, a day came when they had a particularly harsh interaction over the same issues. I spoke to them both about their continued trust breaking, and beginning with Josiah, they both embraced a revelation of how they were hurting each other. Josiah began to tear up, and said to me, “I don’t want to treat Lizzy this way anymore Mommy!” Lizzy’s tears welled up as well. This time when they apologized, they were apologizing for their sinful habit, and not just for that one instance of harshness. Josiah told Lizzy that he no longer wanted to treat her that way, and Lizzy said the same. They cried and hugged each other.

This was several months ago. Yesterday I asked Josiah about these habits. He told me that he still sometimes has the urge to grab from Lizzy, but he restrains himself, and reminds himself that he doesn’t want to break the trust he’s built. This is growth and change. His character is being transformed into Christlike Character, one habitual relational change at a time, as he learns how to love.

You can learn more about heart-level parenting in Marilyn Howshall’s book, Empowering the transfer of Moral Values and Faith.

[originally posted August 2010]