Not My Fault??

[from the archives]

This post is a continuation of a story that begins with this post, Peeling Bananas in Secret. The previous part of this story is here: Dead to Sin

All the things that I learned about my relationship with my husband that I’ve been recounting in my last few blog posts happened over the backdrop of my mom’s miraculous changes and all that I was learning about ministering to my mom by meeting her true needs.  You can read all about that in the Remembering Ellen eArticle and Audios, and also in Empowered—Healing the Heartbeat of Your Family.

My husband was just as shocked by my mom’s miraculous changes as we all were, and he began to pray that he could be set free from his flesh like Gramma had been. One morning before he left for work, he sat down on the bed to pray with me before he left. Although we’d both been lifelong church attending Christians, we rarely prayed together, so this was a new and precious time.  He began to pray to be set free from his flesh (not really yet knowing what that meant for him) and I agreed with him asking the Lord to set him free from anger. As I prayed, I was flooded with a sense that he was afraid. I’d never thought of my husband as being afraid before, but I was becoming accustomed to the way the Lord brought ideas to me during prayer for understanding another, as he was doing with me for my mom and for my children.

I quietly prayed, “Lord please set Tim free from fear.”

Suddenly he pushed me away from him, jumped up and yelled at me, “You ruin everything with your preaching!! You’ve ruined it all!! It’s all your fault!!” and then he left the room slamming the door and leaving for work.

I was shocked. I began to accuse myself wondering what I had done to cause that. His words were ringing in my ears. I wanted to obey my conscience and I certainly didn’t want to ruin anything for Tim. I tried to recall what “preaching” I had done that morning or ever. I couldn’t even think of what he was talking about. I turned to the Lord and I asked, “Is this true? Was this all my fault?” Immediately I was forcefully answered through my conscience.  It was so “loud” that it took my breath away. “NO, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT AND IT NEVER HAS BEEN!!”

I was snapped out of my thought process about that morning’s events toward what I had “heard”.  I thought, “It never has been?? His anger has never been my fault???” I couldn’t wrap my mind around that. I began thinking of all the kinds of things I’d done that I thought made him angry. I was messy, undisciplined, I left things undone and often lost track of time, I often failed to know what he wanted me to do, I didn’t get meals together on time….. Surely his anger had been my fault many times.”

I was flooded with understanding that changed my whole way of relating with Tim. The Lord was showing me that self-centered anger is never caused by the actions of another, whether those actions are accidental or even if those actions are sinful.  Self-centered anger is a sinful choice made by the angry one. There is a loving response to every situation, and Tim was not choosing to be loving. He didn’t even know how. Controlling behaviors such as manipulation, emotional punishment, shame, silence, arguing, hurtful words etc…. are coming from within the controlling person and are not caused by anyone else.  That is why the responding behavior of a controlled person attempting to make it better or keep it from happening accomplishes nothing.  This is why peeling bananas in secret doesn’t work to stop a 2-year-old from banana throwing.

I soon realized as I thought about it through the morning that all the time I had spent embracing his accusations toward me, and thinking of ways to apologize and win back his favor, all the rushing around trying to fix things was only serving to keep him bound in his sin. I was able to tell the truth about my true guilt in our relational “dance”.  I was keeping him in bondage to his sin by my fleshly (self-seeking) desire to keep his approval for me, not only that, I was telling myself that I was being a submitted wife by doing so, further deceiving myself into thinking I was doing something “for God” when I was actually serving myself and keeping my husband bound in sin.

I was sickened by the depth of my self-seeking, how it had harmed Tim and I began to repent. All desire or thought to cooperate with my old habitual responses to his anger and emotional punishment left me. I had been so unloving toward him.

That night I apologized to him for keeping him in bondage to his anger by taking on blame for things I had not done. I told him I would no longer sin against him in that way. He was still being emotionally and physically distant from the morning’s anger in his usual way of punishing me, so his only response was to incredulously laugh at me, turn his back on me, and go to sleep.

I was flooded with a sudden realization that ALL the feelings and thoughts of rejection and self-pity that normally accompanied this kind of behavior from him were completely missing from my mind. The silence inside me was pleasantly shocking to me as the Lord flooded me with assurance that I was obeying Him. I felt more loved and accepted than ever. It was very peaceful.

Rev 3:19 “Those whom I [dearly and tenderly] love, I tell their faults and convict and convince and reprove and chasten [I discipline and instruct them]. So be enthusiastic and in earnest and burning with zeal and repent [changing your mind and attitude].”

Who are you keeping in bondage with your relational habits of being controlled? Is it your husband or your children? Allow the Lord to reveal to you your self-seeking agenda that you’ve probably even hidden from yourself. Cry out earnestly to the Lord for revelation so that you can repent and become free to love with His kind of love which is void of self-interest and self-seeking.

Are you attempting to control others with your anger?  Are you thinking that you shouldn’t be angry, but if they hadn’t…… then you wouldn’t have to be so angry? Stop justifying your anger by blaming others. It’s coming from you alone. Cry out to the Lord to show you how to love and care for those around you, responding rightly and lovingly, even to their sin.

Eph 4:22-24 “Strip yourselves of your former nature [put off and discard your old unrenewed self] which characterized your previous manner of life and becomes corrupt through lusts and desires that spring from delusion; And be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind [having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude], And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in God’s image, [Godlike] in true righteousness and holiness.”

My story continues here.

Lifestyle of Learning’s mini coaching program sereies “Making Heart-Level Connections” gives more instruction toward becoming free from anger and from being controlled by others.

[originally posted November 2010]