No Longer Blind

[from the archives]

My freedom from selfish ways of relating with my husband, Tim (that I’ve been recounting over my last few blog posts starting here), opened my eyes to see his behavior in a different light. I became able to see how hurtful his relational habits were to the children. He was not treating them any differently than he always had, but suddenly I was able to see clearly how his harsh words and rough actions led them to feel like they could never measure up to his expectation. I began to see the wounded look in their eyes when he spoke with derision to them, and pushed them out of his way.

Phillip was growing old enough and strong enough to be a real help to Tim, but I could see how his efforts to help were met with indications that he was inadequate. I had previously responded to these interactions between my husband and my kids with condemnation for myself for not keeping the kids out of his way and not foreseeing that he would get angry about those sorts of things. All my thoughts about interactions like this were about me and I was blind to what was happening between Tim and the kids.

One day we were down in the lower corner of our property picking up wood from many small trees we’d cut down and cut up earlier. We were loading the tractor trailer and then taking load after load up the hill to be stacked. As Phillip drove the last load up the hill and I walked along to give an extra push up the steep parts that were becoming slick, the tractor engine began racing, and the wheels stopped turning. Phillip suspected some belt thing had come off so he stopped the tractor and crawled down to see what was happening and figure out how to fix it.

As he was feeling around under the tractor, Tim came up carrying the rest of the tools. He accusingly said to Phillip, “What did you do to the tractor?!”  Phillip began to explain that he could feel where the belt needed to be put back on…..but Tim interrupted him with irritation, “Well, how can I see it with you in the way?!!!”  Then he roughly moved Phillip aside and got down doing the same thing Phillip had been doing. In a moment he got up and told us what had needed to be done, indicating with his voice and scornful laughter that it was so simple any idiot could have done it, implying that Phillip was foolish for not having already fixed it. He picked up his tools and went to the barn.

Phillip took it in stride, silently started the tractor and went up to the wood pile. He was used to being treated that way. My heart was burdened with the revelation that Tim was destroying his relationship with Phillip, and now I didn’t want that for either of them. I followed Tim into the barn, and spoke calmly, matter-of-factly, and directly to him. “You just treated Phillip like he was stupid. That was very unkind and you need to go and apologize to him.”

I’d never spoken to Tim that way before. I was too busy trying to figure out how to win back the peace and blaming myself for everything. I was too afraid of losing his approval to confront him and tell the truth. However, I was now a new creation, so free from those old ways that I hadn’t even stopped to think that my words might stir up angry disapproval for me. My only motivation was right relating and reconciliation for Tim with his kids.

I was aware I was in full agreement with his conscience, his experience, and with the Holy Spirit. Tim had seen all the changes in my mom and in the kids and in our whole family environment so that right there in the barn he was outnumbered. Me, his conscience, the Holy Spirit, and his experience, all agreed that he needed to apologize, so he quietly said, “OK.”

A few hours later I asked him matter-of-factly if he had apologized to Phillip yet. He hadn’t, but he agreed he needed to. The next day I asked him again. This time he said he had. It was a start.

I was beginning to become an actual help to my husband. I was beginning the process of truth-telling that he needed in order to see his unloving ways and be reconciled to the kids. I could never be what he actually needed when I was a slave to using him for my own selfish gain. I couldn’t even see what he truly needed. I was becoming the parent I needed to be by letting God parent me, showing me my sin and leading me to conform to His ways in my thoughts, in my actions and with His purpose.

“But thank God, though you were once slaves of sin, you have become obedient with all your heart to the standard of teaching in which you were instructed and to which you were committed. And having been set free from sin, you have become the servants of righteousness (of conformity to the divine will in thought, purpose, and action).” Rom 6:17-18

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other.… God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We’re Christ’s representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God’s work of making things right between them.” 2 Cor 5:17-19

In order to understand God’s processes in us toward heart-level change in us and in our families, I recommend Lifestyle of Learning™ mini coaching program series, “Making Heart-Level Connections“. These programs are life changing!

My story continues here….

[originally posted November, 2010]