[from the archives]
A few months after my whole family’s life was radically changed through the miraculous events that I’ve written about and discussed in Remembering Ellen and Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith, I was sitting in my friend’s living room visiting as my kids and hers were all in the family room playing together after having finished off the pizza we had brought with us. Her 13yr old son came in to get something around 7:30pm. She called him to her and said, “Go tell your sister that it’s 7:30 and she needs to go to bed.” His sister was 5 yrs old.
About 10 minutes later, he came back in and announced, “I told her to go to bed, but she didn’t.” My friend rolled her eyes and gave a “see what I have to deal with constantly” type of chuckle, and went into the other room. She came back in speaking of how often her little girl disobeyed, and how she had spanked her for not going to bed when she was told to.
This event stuck with me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t stop imagining what that little 5 yr old must be thinking and feeling. I imagined her full of pizza and pop, surrounded by friends, delighted with the laughter and the fun of 11 kids together, and all at HER HOUSE! She must have been so excited to be showing her things, and bringing interested people into her world. Then her brother came in and said, “It’s time to go to bed. Mom says.” I could imagine those words being like a vague fog to her when there was so much activity and so much fun to have. What discipline, strength of character and self-direction it would have taken to remove herself from that room, take herself down the lonely hallway still filled with daylight, put her pajamas on, and climb into bed alone while still hearing the laughter and joy in the play room down the hall. It was way too much for her 5 yr old soul. She didn’t have the ability to do that. I don’t know of many adults who could do that, just suddenly stop a delightfully engaging time with a group of friends and promptly put oneself to bed with no notice and no preparation.
The next thing she knew, Mom came in, and she was not happy. Perhaps her brother’s instruction came flooding back to her mind, and the “I’m in trouble” fear leaped in her heart. I don’t know how this mom removed her from the room, but when she left the living room she had an air of irritation about her. I don’t know what form the spanking took, but it didn’t take very long, so I can’t imagine there was much discussion. Then there she was left crying, stinging, and alone in her cold bed, spanked for failing to do something she did not have the maturity to do while her siblings and friends continued the fun without her.
My thoughts about this event switched back and forth between my legalistic black and white thought that children must obey their parents, which she clearly did not do, and what must have been her experience. It just didn’t sit well with me. Finally, I thought through what I would have done differently if I was the mom in that situation. I think first of all I wouldn’t have stuck with a 7:30 bed time when friends were over, but besides that, I think I would have told big brother to send his sister to Mommy. I would have pulled her up into my lap, and cuddled her. I would have petted her hair and kissed her head, and allowed her time to calm down and settle her soul. I would have reminded her of the reasons for the bed time and gently recognized and validated the sadness of needing to go to bed while friends were still there. Then I would have taken her there myself and encouraged her to stay in bed, pointing out the temptation she would experience.
As I contrasted what my friend did with what I was imagining, I had a revelation. What this little 5 yr old needed in order to obey was an infusion of love. Love would have empowered her to obey, and the spanking would have been unnecessary. She could have been obedient lying in that bed knowing she was understood and loved, having the actual power in her soul to resist the temptation to disobey.
I thought about my own new path of obedience. I was launched into it by Holy Spirit love flowing through Marilyn Howshall. We discussed this time in my life in the Remembering Ellen audios. I continued with power to obey as I was filled to overflowing with God’s Holy Spirit love as I connected with the REAL HIM. Yes, I was using my will power to obey my conscience, but I had the awesome power of His love added to my will, giving me the power to change from the inside out.
I saw that if love empowers obedience, then what my husband needs and what my children need in order to obey their consciences is more unconditional self-sacrificing grace-filled truth-telling love.
If love empowers obedience, then that must mean that those who continually struggle with obeying their conscience must not be allowing God to love them. I was coming to know the Lord more deeply than I ever had, and I knew the lack of God’s powerful love in people’s lives is not caused by Him. He already made the first move in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us, and we can love because He first loved us. Rom 5:8; 1 John 4:19
My new understanding brought further change to my parenting and without my knowing what was to come, led me to the place of winning my son Phillip’s heart, which I’ll write about in my next blog posts.
You can learn more about receiving God’s love in the “Your Conscience” mini coaching program, and about being filled to overflowing with God’s love in the “Your Helper” mini coaching program.
[originally posted October 2010]
This is so very touching. I love how you spell out your thought processes for us. You walk us through it, teaching us by example. Thank you. And, I look forward to hearing your story with Phillip.
That was beautiful, Barbie. Thank you so much!
Thank you Barbie
I’ve been thinking about this post a lot. What does it mean, what does it look like, to let God love you? I completely believe that it is not a lack on His part. But I don’t know what letting God love me would look like on my end.
As I’m re-reading this post about a year later, I realize how much this example has helped remind me what LOVE would look like. My children don’t actually need a harsh disciplinarian to keep the rules strong and tight…they need my love and understanding and consistent heart towards what is good for them.
For a long long time I have asked God what to do in certain situations with my kids and I have always heard, “love them!” I always doubted ignorantly if that was just myself or really God because it would be during a situation where I am asking how to discipline. Our pastor at the time told us that if the kids disobey you that you need to tell them to lay over your knee and spank them once but it needs to be hard enough that you hear them gasp and cry. “That somehow would bring true repentance. That lasted a whole year!! It never worked! I am not against spanking but i can see how like the little girls mom I was so involved in what I was doing I didn’t realize that I was really disciplining because they were interrupting my life. I wish I would have listened to my conscience. I know that I hear from God, there just seems to be this doubt that has creeps in when it doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t doubt it as often as I used to. Thank you for this blog. It is very encouraging! I have learned after failing man and being failed by man that God has to be my source of everything! His wisdom flows through you and Marilyn beautifully! You are a true answer to prayer!