[from the archives]
With my new understanding—love empowers obedience, which I wrote about in my last blog post—I began to think about my new idea’s application toward a particular issue that I was repeatedly having with my son Phillip who was 13 yrs old at the time.
Phillip was regularly resisting my attempts to bring him to be disciplined toward a few simple tasks. I wanted him to make his bed, tidy his room, wash his face, and cooperate with cleaning up the kitchen with the other kids. I discovered that he was barely doing these things or pretending to do these things and then lying to me about it. He would dampen a wash cloth to make it seem like he’d washed his face or kick his dirty clothes under the bed to make it seem like he tidied his room or just do nothing and say he did, hoping that I would forget to go check on it.
I felt that these tasks were not too much for him to learn to do on his own, and I had previously given him lectures about how he needed to be responsible like his dad was and do what needed to be done. I would accusingly ask him if he wanted to be like his dad or be irresponsible and lazy and get fired from all his jobs when he grew up. Occasionally I had spanked him for lying, but it never seemed to affect him and I was beginning to feel that he was too old to be spanked. He seemed completely unmotivated to obey or stop lying.
I began to pray about what I should do. I felt like I needed a consequence for him that didn’t involve me remembering to check up on him. I could see that if the consequence depended on me, it would only bring discipline to me, and not actually develop discipline in him. I felt the Lord arming me with my new understanding. Phillip didn’t seem to have the power to obey in the area of these simple tasks, so he needed more love.
I received a plan from the Lord. I bought a new alarm clock and put it on the desk in my room. I set it for 8:00am and explained to Phillip that he needed to be in my room by 8:00am to turn it off. All he had to do was get himself into my room by 8:00am. If he didn’t, I told him that I would be giving him extra work around the house to do.
He arrived in my room right on time the next morning. I sat him on my bed and put my arm around him. I told him that I loved him, and I put my hand on his cheek and kissed his face. ALL of this was VERY uncomfortable for BOTH of us. He was stiff as a board and looked like he was ready to get away as soon as possible. I was being obedient to my conscience and giving affection to him, even though I had long ago stopped touching him for the most part because I was so often unhappy with him. It was awkward and strange.
With my arm around him I reminded him of the tasks I wanted him to do and asked him to go do them right then—make his bed, tidy his room, and wash his face. Then I kissed his head and encouraged him that it would go quickly if he got right to it. To my amazement, he did them all thoroughly and immediately.
The next day he was right on time. I did the same, only when he arrived in my room, he informed me that he had already washed his face before coming upstairs. I wrapped my arms around him and told him how glad I was about that. He was still stiff, but my affection came a little easier for me. After my kisses he ran off to make his bed and tidy his room.
It was happening. My love was empowering him to obey where shaming, lectures, withholding affection and spankings had no effect…..
P.S. Some have been asking after my last blog post how it is that we can disallow God’s love in our lives keeping us trapped in a constant struggle to obey. The facebook group “Home Educated Mom” provides a place for discussing the gospel principles of Lifestyle of Learning™. I highly recommend the Making Heart-Level Connections mini coaching programs. These programs will help you discover the way you are likely disconnected from God at your heart level, where you are not actually receiving His love for you, although you believe mentally that He does love you.
[originally posted October 2010]
Thank you again, Barbie, for sharing. I enjoy reading the details of your process. It is very helpful!
Barbie, the Holy Spirit needed me to hear your word tday. Thank you, this is very timely. And proactive. My ds responds so much better with love as we all do. Praying how I see my ds will change to what Jesus sees. Thank you.
Barbie,
This is so beautiful hearing more of the process of love between you and Phillip! Thank you for continuing to share and giving us things to think on and learn about! Cynthia
This TOTALLY resonates with me. Daniel is 12. He squirms if I touch him affectionately, and sometimes I have lightheartedly resorted to threatening to KISS him if he doesn’t get whatever it is done right away! It’s a shame that it works 🙁 But I am convinced affection on some level will reach him, and will pray that God reveals that to me. THANK YOU, Barbie!
Affection and affirmation reaches hearts, but not unless it is accompanied by an end to sinning against the one we’re trying to reach. Phillip was stiff against my affection because of my sin against him. I had been shaming him and showering him with my frequent disapproval and generally neglecting the inner workings of his heart, his attitudes, intentions and motivations. By the time that I’m recalling, I had already stopped these behaviors toward him. It was not affection and affirmation alone, but trust building by refraining from sin (self-seeking relational behaviors) that melted his heart.
What a powerful message. Thank you so much for sharing! I have recently really trying to let discipline be relational. I look forward to reading and learning even more about how to accomplish this through love. Thanks again!!!