Having Their Hearts

[from the archives]

I’ve been blessed to bring back to recollection so many wonderful memories of the Lord’s work in our lives as I wrote the last several blog posts (starting here). I’ve been overwhelmed with gratitude at remembering the goodness of our God! Thank you Lord!

I’ve been giving a picture of my process of becoming a truly loving parent, and the fruit it has produced in my children, especially my son Phillip.

As you can tell from reading my past blog posts, our changed life didn’t mean that my children, were never unkind to each other or never had conflicts again or that they didn’t ever have selfish attitudes or motivations. It means that I now have their hearts, and so they readily accept my instruction and correction when unloving behaviors come up. Their constant reception of my steady input on loving behavior changes them as they grow and mature while we address the particulars of our relational ways.

For instance, the other morning I asked Lizzy what she was going to make for her breakfast. She told me she was going to make what we call a “milkshake”, which is some yogurt blended up with a banana and some strawberries with some other goodies like fish oil and cocoanut oil.  It’s easiest and not much more effort to make these “milkshakes” more than one at a time, so she asked me if I wanted one too. I kissed her face, looked in her eyes and said what I always say to that question, “If you’re makin’, I’d love to have one made by you!”

Josiah saw Lizzy gathering supplies for a “milkshake” and asked, “Can I have one of those?”

Instead of saying, “Sure! Want to help me make it?”  She hemmed and hawed and then said, “I don’t think so.”

I asked Lizzy why she wouldn’t add a bit more of everything so that Josiah could have one too like she was doing for me. She began to explain that she thought I was doing many valuable things like writing my blog posts, and so I needed someone to make breakfast for me, but Josiah wasn’t, so he needed to make his own.

I asked her to clarify. Was she saying that Josiah doesn’t do valuable things?

Instead of answering that one, she began to inform me that Josiah needed to learn to make his own breakfast, and that she didn’t like for him to expect her to make his breakfast for him.

I reminded her of all the breakfasts Josiah had made for himself recently and asked her if it was true that he expected her to make his breakfast. “Didn’t he just ask if he could have one?  And doesn’t he usually help you when you’re making it for both of you?”

“Well….”  I could see that she was trying to think of another reasonable excuse for not including Josiah in the making of the “milkshake”, so I decided to ask a more pointed question.

“How does your conscience feel about what you’re doing?”

She tipped her head down and took a deep breath signaling that she was ready to be truthful with herself and with me. “I guess it’s because I’m trying to hold a grudge against Josiah.”

We talked for a bit and included Josiah in our conversation. She tried to bring in some things that Josiah used to regularly do that bothered her, but in truth he hasn’t done those things for quite some time, and Josiah assured her that he didn’t plan on doing those things again. She soon admitted that not only are grudges wrong, but that she didn’t currently have a reason to hold one toward Josiah anyway. She quickly asked Josiah’s forgiveness and happily made him a “milkshake”, which I’ve seen her do several times since then.

Lizzy was doing what many adults do. They once had a reasonable excuse to behave with an unloving response. It could be taking up offense, acting in self-protection, being sarcastic, avoiding conflict, using people to get approval, or any other self-seeking sinful behavior, and it became habit.  They are no longer experiencing the relational interchange that their behavior came from, and often they can’t even remember what it was, but they continue to operate in it regardless. Then after years and years, they don’t even know they’re doing it because they’ve wrapped it in logical excuses for themselves to believe.

Left unchecked, Lizzy could have gone years and years developing an independent attitude about many things. “I do my thing and you can do yours. Just leave me alone,” hardly realizing that her habits stemmed from holding a grudge or many grudges against her siblings in childhood.

Having our children’s hearts means that their discipleship in Christlike relational behavior becomes fruitful, quick, and life changing, just as the evidence that we have surrendered our hearts to the Lord’s correction and instruction is rapid change toward loving behavior and restored relationships.

For more instruction in heart-level parenting, read Marilyn Howshall’s book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.

[originally posted November, 2010]