“How do I deal with my 5-year-old daughter when she doesn’t obey me? This is with everything…. And I have to tell her over and over. Time out is not working, what are some discipline techniques?”
~ Searching for Answers
God has given us as parents the responsibility to govern (direct, restrain, regulate, and control) our children as we teach them to govern themselves. When they don’t obey our loving direction and instruction, they are not governing themselves. An appropriate consequence is that they must remain where you can govern them, because they aren’t governing themselves. In other words, she needs to stay in your presence until she begins to govern herself by obeying. If you need to go to the laundry room, she needs to come too. If you need to do some work at your desk or table, she needs to sit there too. If you need to change some diapers, she needs to come too. If you need to cook or do dishes, she needs to be right by you.
If she wants to go off and play or do something else, you need to remind her that she hasn’t been governing herself, so she’ll have to stay right with you. Remind her of the way she did not obey, and tell her what she needs to do differently next time. Let her know that she’ll be able to go and do those sorts of things when she can be trusted to obey. Every time you have to remind her of why she must stay with you, provide her an opportunity right then to obey you by saying something like “Are you ready to do as I ask?” or “Do you understand what I’m waiting for you to do?” or “Have you thought about what I told you about obeying me?” Then remind her of the task that you wanted her to obey you in.
While she’s spending so much time with you, you can shower her with smiles, talking, listening, physical affection, and telling her how much you love her. Tell her how much better it would be for her to be able to govern herself so that she can be trusted to do something she’d like to go and do.
This can last as long as it takes for her to begin to be trusted to do as you ask. You can tell her to do many things while she is with you, especially to be helpful to you as you go about your own tasks. It may take hours, or even days.
At the same time you need to make sure that your commands and direction for her are delivered in love, for her good, and they’re not beyond her ability to obey. I’ve seen parents expect their children to read their minds and know how to stay out of the parent’s way, while angrily telling them or even yelling at them that they need to obey. Unloving unreasonable demands cause children to feel rejected, confused, and frightened. These things never promote obedience. Make sure that your communications to her are to help her understand what she needs to do, and you’ve given her enough instruction to know how to do it.
You can also begin by talking with her during some morning cuddles about what sorts of behaviors you’ve been noticing and what she needs to do differently. You can encourage her to make it through the day doing the right things. Shower her with kisses and hugs and encouragement to do better. After a few days of this you can let her know what will happen if she continues to behave or disobey as you’ve talked about.
Love empowers obedience, so capture her heart with your love.
This 3 part series continues here.
How does this look for a 15 yr old?
It looks very much the same. Their are far more complicated issues in a parent’s relationship with their 15 year old when the child has established patterns of disobedience at that age. It is likely that a 15 year old would greatly resist spending so much time with such a parent. However, when the parent is serious about repenting and repairing their relationship with their teen, having their constant company is a very effective way of providing an opportunity for the parent to shower this child with love, meet the needs of the child’s soul, and to govern over the child’s behavior.
What if the child (any age) won’t stay with you?
Dear Lisa,
What you need to do with a child who won’t stay with you is very dependent on the age and attitude of the child. If the child is young, they need to be brought back and reminded of what they need to do perhaps multiple times. When you are confident that they are willfully and purposefully leaving you, a spanking may be in order. However, if the child is leaving in anger, or is older and/or angry and rebellious, then you have much more serious problems than just the child leaving you. You’ll need to look at all your relational habits with that child, and come to understand why they are angry, how they got the attitude they have, and what your contribution has been to the broken state of the relationship. ~ Barbie
Hi Barbie. Thank you so much for your reply. Do you have any further advise or resources that would help with trying to identify the underlying relational habits and reasons the child is angry and rebellious? Or is this all simply discovered through time and prayer?
Dear Lisa,
I strongly recommend you read “Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith”. If you’ve read that, I suggest reading it again, and I highly recommend to you the “Your Conscience” coaching program that is now available. You can find both of these in the estore, or the LOLACHE members estore.
Children’s anger is often caused by something the parents are doing in lack of understanding such as wrong expectations, or outright sin against their children. The two resources I mention will help you to begin to identify what you might be doing to contribute to your child’s anger.
I have read ETMVF and am now going through the “Your Conscience” program and am so excited about it. It is answering all my questions about how to live in the spirit instead of the flesh.
This is so good and right what I needed to read today, Barbie. Thank you for all the posts that continue to speak to my heart!