[from the archives]
I realize my recent blog posts (starting with Escalating Control) have brought a challenge in thinking to those who believe it is unsubmissive and therefore sinful for a wife to admonish or correct her husband.
Loving admonishment and correction are good and necessary for the Christian life—for ALL Christians. Admonishment means to warn or notify of a fault, to counsel against wrong practices, to caution or advise, to instruct or direct. Admonishing one another is something that we are commanded to do for one another out of love.
”Let the word [spoken by] Christ (the Messiah) have its home [in your hearts and minds] and dwell in you in [all its] richness, as you teach and admonish and train one another in all insight and intelligence and wisdom in spiritual things…..” Collossians 3:16
“Therefore encourage (admonish, exhort) one another and edify (strengthen and build up) one another, just as you are doing.” 1 Thess 5:11
“…..warn (admonish, urge, and encourage) one another every day, as long as it is called Today, that none of you may be hardened [into settled rebellion] by the deceitfulness of sin [by the fraudulence, the stratagem, the trickery which the delusive glamor of his sin may play on him].” Hebrews 3:13
Correction means to bring to the standard of truth, justice, or suitableness, appropriateness or accuracy. It means to bring another to a standard of conduct and habitual manners that lines up with the moral law, which is God’s law of love. Correcting unloving behavior in those that need to be corrected is an act of love that we as believers are also called to. It is Christlike and kind to bring loving correction.
“….. [Whether it is convenient or inconvenient, whether it is welcome or unwelcome, you as preacher of the Word are to show people in what way their lives are wrong.] And convince them, rebuking and correcting, warning and urging and encouraging them, being unflagging and inexhaustible in patience and teaching.” 2 Tim 4:2
“Let the righteous man smite and correct me–it is a kindness.” Ps 141:5
Unfortunately, many of us have never witnessed or experienced LOVING correction coming from another human being. Instead we’ve experienced judgment, petty criticalness, and rejection believing these activities to be correction when they are not. Even our parent/child relationships are soured by corrective words being delivered with the parent’s selfish irritation, anger, shaming, and belittling. None of these activities are LOVING admonishment or correction.
Loving admonishment and correction come from one who has overcome, and knows the way to help another. They are delivered in self-sacrificial grace and understanding. They come from one who has been there before and has been rescued and longs to see another experience that same freedom.
A common false teaching embraced by many across the church teaches that women believers are somehow exempt from or extremely limited in these commands to bring loving admonishment and correction, and that the husband/wife relationship is also exempt from these loving activities if the husband is the one who needs to be admonished or corrected. These teachings are all wrapped up in a misunderstanding of what submission actually is.
Ephesians 5:18-23 is one of the 2 Scripture passages where Paul urges women to submit to their husbands. The other is in Colossians and is an echo of the passage in Ephesians. Twisted legalistic thinking about what it means to submit leads married women to ignore all other passages where we are commanded to love, admonish and correct, do good, meet needs and bless others including our husbands. It is not helpful or a blessing to leave your husband trapped in his sin when you have the ability to help him see by lovingly admonishing and correcting him. This legalistic thinking also leads many husbands to wrongly believe that they are exempt from receiving admonishment and correction from the one who could help them the most. They find their excuse to keep sinning against their family in a wrong understanding of biblical submission.
Ephesians 5:21 commands us all to submit to one another “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Clearly the Greek word used in this passage—hupotassomai—translated here as “submit” does not indicate any sort of authority or obedience, for it would be impossible for everyone to be in authority over everyone and for all of us to obey one another. Similarly the command here for believers to submit to one another does not nullify all other scriptural commands to love by discipling, admonishing, correcting, and meeting true needs.
John Temple Bristow in his book What Paul Really said about Women states,
“(hupotassomai) serves as a military term, referring to taking a position in a phalanx of soldiers. In this sense, there is not reference to any idea of rank or status—it was an equal sharing of the task for which the soldiers were ordered. If a soldier failed to join the others, or held back during an advance, a captain might use a form of the verb hupotassomai to order him to return to the line, join his fellows, be supportive of them and fulfill his part of the assignment.
In that sense, Paul could tell all the members of the church to be subject to (hupotassomai) one another, and he could also tell wives to do the same, for hupotassomai is not a ranker of persons as ruler and ruled. It is a concise appeal for the church to have its members live out their call to be the body of Christ and individually members of it.”
In a Roman phalanx of soldiers, the front row of soldiers holds up their body length shields in front of them locking them tight together and impenetrable while the second and successive rows of soldiers raise their body length shields up to create the effect of a roof over themselves and the soldiers in front of them. As the soldiers advance together or stand in defense, they act as a team for the mutual protection of each other. If a particular soldier fails to do his part, the others around him are left undefended and vulnerable. They must act as a team (hupotassomai) “be submitted to one another” in order to succeed in their mission, and stay alive.
If we consider that the command to submit to one another is similar to taking up our place in a line of soldiers to do our part, then it can be easily said that anyone who fails to hupotassomai is neglecting and abandoning his fellow soldiers leaving them open to attack or even death. This soldier could be said to be acting in irresponsible selfish independence.
Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians includes the husband/wife relationship in his admonishment to hupotassomai one another. In essence, a wife who abandons her husband to his sin, thinking that she is not supposed to address it or even encourages it by her service to it like I used to do, is actually being an unsubmitted, independently selfish wife. The wife who believes that she has no responsibility to lovingly admonish and correct her husband and to help him out of sin is abandoning him, leaving him open and vulnerable to attack, and failing to hupotassomai.
Paul was not placing wives under husbands, but was actually raising them up from their cultural position in the Greek world as less than slaves to take their place as partners with their husbands. Paul’s admonishment that wives should take their place in line as fellow soldiers next to their husbands would have been highly offensive to worldly unbelieving men of that time, suggesting that a woman, whom their culture considered to be dirt, should become their mutual partner.
I find it ironic that my testimony of repenting of my selfish ways and becoming an actual help and partner to my husband resulting in his freedom from sin and his reconciled relationships with my children, myself, and the Lord should be labeled as unsubmissive. In actuality, I moved from being unsubmitted and self-focused to being hupotassomai with my husband as the Scripture in Ephesians and Colossians commands.
Wives, how about you? Are you willing to hupotassomai your husbands and take on your responsibility of seeking the Lord on their behalf, and obeying Him (The Lord, The Master) by helping your husband out of his unloving sinful behaviors?
Other good books on this subject: Ten Lies the Church Tells Women—J. Lee Grady, Why Not Women—Loren Cunningham and David Joel Hamilton, From Bondage to Blessing—Dee Alei
[originally posted December 2010]
This is really good, Barbie! I am learning so much from your blogs! I love the picture you added…..it is a great visual for submission!
That you have or are doing anything that is anti-Christ has never even entered into my mind as I’ve read your blog posts! When I read this post today my thought was “really? what have I missed?” But no, I have that inward witness in my heart that what you are teaching, through your experiences, are Christlike – from your new nature as you clothe yourself in Him. Oh that we all, men and women, were this kind of “help mate” to our spouses! Rather than enabling sinful behavior, we are responding in agreement to the Holy Spirit, Who is always leading and guiding us into all truths. The sweet Spirit that is always convicting God’s children of righteousness. “no, not that way … this way” is His wooing and gentle calling to our consciousness. I understand that its hard for us to ‘wrap our minds’ around this because it IS so foreign to respond in God’s love. (Not sloppy ‘love’ that lets people be mean and ugly to us or to our kids). The Body of Christ has long been naive about what true love looks like. Your wonderful transparency is so refreshing because its raising the bar on living the love life. Thank you Barbie! Thank you Marilyn! Thank you Barbie’s husband! Thank You Lord for helping us to understand all of this, by the inward witness of Your Spirit!
Hi Barbie,
I’m reading your entries and not missing any because they are helping me now that I can finally see that I’m truly expending selfish energy trying to make our family my agenda instead of the Lord’s. This means that I see I have been trying to keep my husband at bay and happy, so to speak, so that I don’t feel the barrage of emotion that perplexes me when I am corrected, even in love. I was absorbing so much that wasn’t from the Lord through my husband’s outbursts and I was avoiding any correction whatsover with an attitude of steaming it all inside and trying to do better, like a slave.
I am still not at the place where I am comfortable correcting him in love but know that I do this on occasion naturally and it is received. Those opportunites are on my radar. However, in order to not make fixing him my focus (the other extreme), I have really been focusing on myself. I see, now, that I don’t like correction, period, even loving correction! Therefore, I don’t like to give it, either.
So, I am allowing the Holy Spirit to show me the value of correction, the necessity of it and the humility that comes in receiving (and giving it). Understanding the holiness behind it is helping me. I must become grateful for it (my husband does correct me kindly a lot) and in turn, do the same for him.
I did read your reply to me on your last blog, thank you so much!
Joni
The very essence of the Gospel is that we can now through Jesus Christ have intimate fellowship with the Father, but only when we come into right relating with Him. Right or wrong relating practices are seen in our primary human relationships. If we continue to “dance around” one another’s bad relational habits while saying we are drawing close to the Father, we deceive ourselves. The Holy Spirit’s work in us is to convict, correct, and instruct us toward Christlike maturity. His comfort comes to us when we receive this work. If we do nothing to cooperate with this work in ourselves first and then in our family then we are fully perpetuating the work of the enemy in our family. I pray that all reading this will come to accept the Gospel as it was delivered unto the saints and leave off the legalistic teachings that keep God’s precious people in bondage to the flesh, never able to apprehend the promises of God for their lives.
Amen and thank you.
Thank you for sharing, Barbie. I think it is ironic as well since the fruit of your relationship with your husband and children is transformed and more loving than it ever was before. If your addressing was wrong and sinful, it would not have the fruit of unconditional love and reconciliation because the works of the flesh lead to destruction and death. Reconciliation and unconditional love is only a work that the Lord can do in us. Romans 8:6 For the mind of the flesh is death; but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace:
I GET IT!!!!!!!!
I have abandoned my husband in the name of “submission” and disobeyed my Commander!
The Lord has graciously convicted me and I repent!
Wow, 20 years of unknowing disobedience! I’m SO excited to see what the Lord will do through my new understanding of the truth of hupotassomai!
I just read this article and it was an eye opener for me. I didn’t grow up as a Christian, lived in a dysfunctional home and saw my grandmother (who raised me) being the authoritative person in the home. After many failed relationships and abuse, my heart was hardened. When I became a Christian 13 yrs ago, all I wanted was to love God with my whole heart. I’ve never been a quiet person and when I had an opinion, I spoke it out. I’ve had a Type A personality all of my life and when I came to the Lord, I’ve felt like I’m struggling within me all of the time (I act this way, but I should be this way). The Word speaks about being Meek and humble and it seems when I try, it’s so fake. Then I see other homeschoolers that are quiet, loving, quiet, meek and submissive to their husbands. I then ask myself, “what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be like that?” I’m still a work in progress, but my heart is to be more like Him each day. I don’t want my daughters to have my personality, but yet, I see myself in them. I never had a spiritual mentor and I’m looking forward to Marilyn’s new book. I so much want to be Christ-like and love like He loves. At times, I’m not sure what that means, but I so desire to have peace in my heart and live in freedom. I’m also struggling with what is legalism and what is true freedom in Christ. We’ve lost our older 3 children to the world and don’t want to have anything to do with God. I believe we’ve been too legalistic. I’m starting to see my 14 yr old struggle and my 12 yr old is not interested in the ways of God. I’m afraid I will see what happened to our children in our younger children. I’m hoping Marilyn’s new book will help me with me so I can then help others. Thank you so much for your ministry!! All of you are a God-send!
Sharon
Dear Sharon,
Legalism puts outward behavior standards on people while leaving heart-level needs for love and understanding neglected or even harmed and damaged. Legalism causes our children to reject us, because they feel rejected. It’s not the true God they’re rejecting, but us and the unloving way we’ve behaved in legalism. Often people who adhere to legalistic teachings come to believe in error that “loving God” means obeying their particular set of outward standards, while inside they struggle with heaps of false guilt and condemnation. God made you with your strong personality, and He made your daughter’s like that too. Meekness and humility are not the opposite of strength, Jesus was all of these things. I recommend you read a book called, “Why not Women.” by Lauren Cunningham, and another called “10 Lies the Church tells Women” by Lee Grady. These books will help you to begin to clarify how God sees women, and how God sees you.
Thank you so much for your reply. I have to admit, tears came to my eyes when I read your message and a burden was lifted off of me. I do have another question since the following has been engrained in me. I went on Amazon and read an excerpt of “10 Lies the Church Tells Women” and read about Dr. Cho in Korea and how he used women. I have to admit that it seems to contradict scripture. My question comes from 1 Timothy 3:1-13 and 1 Timothy 2:13-14. I want to follow God with all of my heart! I need to spend some time with the Lord about this topic because now I’m not sure what I think about women in ministry or as a help meet. Thank you so much for your ministry.
Dear Sharon,
The book “Why Not Women” goes into great detail of each of the passages that people often use to support oppressive legalistic thinking about women. The second half of the book is a very scholarly look at these passages of scripture and what was being said in the Greek and in the culture that is confused or lost in translation, as well as occasionally mistranslated in order to support the translators views on women. If you have the courage to read it, you will find the answers to your questions about specific passages in it.
~ Blessings
Wow! Yes my spirit agrees and I am touched.
I find myself in constant search of that which is good and praiseworthy (and that’s ok, in fact it is scriptural). But sometimes when I see something good and praiseworthy, I am tempted to want to become like or act like that person, instead of making what is good or praiseworthy my own. I believe that I have to be careful; and I have to distinguish between personality and character of a person.
I think character reflects your deepest believes and that character is the vehicle or reflection of your faith. Personality should be carefully formed but is sometimes forged and forced into a shape.
I believe that it is absolutely possible for God to change my personality if it does not bring Him honour but He never replaces it with some else’s. He recreates it to what He originally planned for me. God does not duplicate people.
I find it scary when I see a group of people involved with one another and they all have the same personality! I think we have to be able to accommodate and accept a variety of personalities and being quiet and an introvert does not necessarily reflect humbleness and submission. What is in the heart of the person is the question; for we see only what a person want us to see but God sees internally.
You are right Lizette. It is never God’s plan the we be clones of one another. He has individual purpose for each of us, and He made us individually. A woman with a forthright and strong personality is not an accident of God, but His purposeful and unique creation.
God is in the business of growth and change for us, leading us to cooperate with Him as we put off our fleshly (self-seeking) ways and become Loving as He is. This process will certainly change the way we relate with the people in our lives, but it will not change who He has made us to be. Rather, it will cause us to become who He has made us to be – all the He put in us purified by Love.
Years after your post the Holy Spirit is still using your testimony! I have a grown homeschooler and my 15 year old ‘baby’ at home. They are extreme opposites, the eldest is like me (full of creativity and action) and the youngest like my husband (analytical and quiet). Homeschooling has been disheartening and I now see why as I have been manipulating it and my son to meet my needs and bring me glory. My husband and I are training to be Biblical counselors yet we have some deep issues (that most wouldn’t even think about) that we know the Lord wants us to grow through and overcome. For the first time, in our counseling training, I heard teaching that we can idolize even good things like wanting to be respected or above reproach. I didn’t see the key as being the selfish, manipulative motives behind it. I haven’t understood why, for all my submission, I have not been able to inspire my husband to be the godly man God has shown me he can be. I now see that my fear of rejection and inordinate desire for my husband’s favor has caused me to sugar coat both our sin rather than speak the truth! Thank you and your husband for you candid, deep testimony and many blessings!
SUCH a good post. I will be forever grateful for your honesty (and those book recommendations)!
Barbie,
The Holy Spirit led me to your blog series over 5 years ago and it continues to work on me. I am writing now to testify how the true principles of freedom, responsibility, and genuine love contained in your message have set (and are setting) me free. I have stopped being irresponsible under the guise of submission and have become a true help to my husband by taking up equal responsibility in our marriage. The evidence that your message is true and good is shown by the fruit. Thank you for sharing this life-giving message. It has changed my life and my marriage for the better.
Dear Barbie
I just read the whole series of blog posts starting with peeling the banana in secret! It was a page-turner; I couldn’t put it down! Thank you for sharing your experience… it has given me a new and expanded perspective on truth-telling!