Unloving Control Ends

In my previous blog I talked about the unloving way my son Phillip used to handle kitchen clean-up. He saw that his younger siblings were not doing what they were supposed to do, but he responded by trying to control them with harshness, like so many parents try to do with their own children.

At that time, Phillip and I were meeting every morning, so we began to talk about this over a period of a few weeks. He saw that his older sister Rachel was able to encourage the younger kids to do the right thing, but he was not. It was true that the younger children were not doing what they ought when it came to kitchen clean-up.

We talked about how he responded to them when they were doing the wrong thing. He became personally offended—irritated, and on the verge of anger. His desire for them to do the right thing was motivated by self-interest. He didn’t want to clean the kitchen without them because he felt it wasn’t fair. So he tried to control them into doing the right thing for his own benefit. When people try to control others, they end up losing control of themselves. I helped him to see that his motivation for bringing them to right behavior was self-seeking, and therefore it was unloving. They needed to clean the kitchen out of love, but he was trying to get them to clean it by being unloving.

We talked about his need to have a different motivation for wanting them to do the right thing. Over the next week, He began to refuse to take up offense, and just clean the kitchen while asking them nicely to help. I directed him to come let me know if they did not respond rightly to his patient clearly spoken request. He knew that I would give the younger children instruction in right behavior. He trusted me.

As he thought about this he noticed other times of the day when his younger siblings were unkind to each other and not doing the right thing. He began to understand that they needed to walk in love more than just in kitchen clean-up. He developed a burden for his younger siblings to walk in love because it would be good for them.

He started to try to intervene in their quarrels where he had nothing to gain.  This made him even more aware that he did not have the skills necessary to draw them toward love and he began to press into me more, wanting to learn how to help them. I talked with him about encouraging them to listen to their consciences. I told him he needed to draw them toward love with love and encouragement.

As He worked at encouraging his younger siblings, I waited and listened when I heard him trying to intervene. I remember standing in the dining room hearing him coach the younger kids in the living room. I would call him in to me, give him what he needed to say or do, and then send him back out to say or do it.  If he began to act in personal offense, I called him back and addressed his attitude. If the younger children refused his counsel, I spoke to them about their resistance and disobedience to Phillip’s counsel that was constantly growing in wisdom, and more often than not, delivered in love.

Over time the kids learned that they needed to heed Phillip, and Phillip learned to love, encourage and influence. He learned how to bring the younger kids into understanding each other as he refused to take up personal offense at what they were doing. If ever he could not get them to listen and obey what they ought to do, I instructed him to come get me.

What a different young man he is today! He no longer has any care for fairness or legalistic thinking about the need for tasks to be evenly shared.  He willingly helps whenever he sees the need. He draws the younger kids in and teaches and encourages them to join him, and they often do because they love being with him, and they know he loves them.

This time of life is when and with his siblings is where he is learning to be a wonderful husband and father. Unlike so many of his peers who are busy building social relationships with people outside our family, Phillip is learning how to treasure, encourage, and gently lead his family toward what they need to do in love.