[from the archives]
As I wrote about in my previous blog post, several years back I began to realize how my children were forming their own version of a twisted false personality. I saw how they were using their peers to build habits of being approved by others in a vain attempt to view themselves as acceptable.
The major peer involvement in their lives was a homeschool band and choir. We spent several hours there once a week for rehearsals. When I first started to look for how this peer involvement was influencing my kids, I had to wrestle with popular opinion in my own thinking. So many people wrongly believe, as I did, that peer influence is good as long as the peers are good. This bunch of kids from all appearances was very good. They were all homeschooled Christian kids, eager to do well in music, and a large majority of them were respectful, obedient and hard working while at band and choir.
As I began to watch my own children for symptoms that they were using their peers to try to get approval for themselves and shaping their personality according to their peer’s responses. I certainly found it!
The first things I noticed were Rachel spending a very long time in front of the mirror on band day, Phillip playing his trumpet loudly and quickly during setting up times at band, and Annie intensely practicing clarinet at home so that she could achieve the goal of being the youngest person in intermediate band.
I began to talk especially with Rachel and Philip about these issues. I began to tell them how wrong and sinful it was to use their peers to try and get attention and approval for themselves. I encouraged them to listen to their consciences and pay attention to the things they might be doing and the things they might be thinking to try and get approval and attention from their peers.
I asked Rachel what she was looking for and why she was spending so much time in front of the mirror. She began to see what she was doing and confessed to me that she was very conscious at band and choir of how others thought she looked. She thought about it most of the time she was there and planned toward it throughout her week. She also told me that she was especially careful to choose the right clip to put in her hair. She had learned how to make beautiful hair clips, and as she stood on the risers in the choir, the girls above her would often comment on her clips. She relished the praise and the attention. After I talked with her, she began to pay attention to her thoughts and her conscience in these things, and identify more fully what it feels like and what are the thought processes of using others.
I talked to Phillip about his habit. When choir was over and band about to begin, there were about 3-4 minutes of a transition while kids got their instruments and found their seats. Phillip would quickly get out his trumpet and play some part of their pieces loudly and very fast as he made his way toward the stage. He proceeded to do the same until it was time to start. If another trumpet player tried to join him in playing the same part, he would rush to play it faster. I talked with him about his actions, asking him why he did this. He was tempted to say that he was just warming up his instrument and practicing his part, but his conscience began to convict him. He confessed that he wanted everyone to know that he knew his part and that he could play it fast. His focus was on how others must be thinking that he was a good trumpet player. After talking, he stopped doing this, and he also began to examine his own thought processes, trying to recognize how it feels to use people that way. He wasn’t as quick at that time in seeing it as Rachel.
I sat close by Phillip in times when he was just talking with the other boys at band and choir. I saw how the whole group of boys spent their entire conversation on trying to say something that would make all the other boys laugh. There was no substance to their conversation. Often the laughter would get so wound up they would all laugh at anything, and so that which was truly funny gave way to useless foolishness. I talked with Phillip about it, and he began to see his part in it too. The boys were all simply using each other to shape their personalities into “the funny guy”.
Soon band and choir was over for the year. I decided that we would not go back. I talked to the kids about the difference between what was actually in them to do and what was being done in order to please their peers. I helped them to understand that if playing those instruments was in them to do, then they would continue to play without the influence or approval of their peers. My three oldest understood what I meant and began to examine their own hearts for what was actually in them to do according to God’s purpose for them.
Phillip rarely picked up the trumpet again. Annie realized that she’d rather play the flute than the clarinet, so we bought her one and she taught herself. Phillip also decided he’d like to play the flute, so we got him one too. Rachel realized that she just loved making all kinds of music together with others, and so she began to organize her siblings, teach them, and encourage them to play together with her, which they all did. Sometimes this created some sibling conflicts that, when dealt with, brought more and more relational harmony to go with the musical harmony they were making. It also produced in Rachel greater and greater ability to teach and lead with patience and encouragement.
Apart from all the musical skill that exploded forth from this process of taking my children out of band and choir, their Christlike character flourished as well. They could not use the same tactics to impress their siblings, as they had been developing with their peers. With their siblings they learned to approach relating with a giving love instead of using them by taking approval and attention. They learned to be Christ like.
For more instruction in heart-level parenting, read Marilyn Howshall’s ebook, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.
This series continues here.
[originally posted September 2012]
That was sooooo good! Thank you Barbie for explaining your family’s process to the rest of us who need help seeing the specifics.
I can see how much time I’ve wasted in my own life thinking about myself. I’m so grateful to Marilyn and you for showing me the Lord’s way…selfLESSness. 🙂
Barbie, thank you for these posts. One of my questions is how did you know how to so clearly identify and then articulate to them where the problem was and how to rectify it? Had you learned it through Marilyn’s book as well as promptings by the Holy Spirit? Oftentimes when I read these, I think *I* don’t even know how to identify/prevent that, how can I expect my children to or help them out of it!
That certainly is the starting place, Jen—searching your own heart and thoughts and behaviors for the ways in which you may be attempting to get the attention and approval of others. Some people do this more by withdrawing and hiding so that they don’t get disapproval or judgment. Some do it more by hiding behind talent, while others use various means to draw attention to themselves, talk almost exclusively about themselves, or have an urgency or need to talk about something they know about. I had seen how I was doing that quite some time before I was identifying it in my children. I used to figure out ways to parade my talents, pretty much just like my kids were doing. I wanted people to notice my skills and my art, or what I thought of as my spiritual wisdom. I had already gotten rid of these behaviors. I flung them far from me the moment I saw how selfish they were. I knew how I thought, and felt in my heart, and so I was able to talk with the kids and help them identify the same sorts of thoughts and feelings. I had not learned these things through Marilyn’s book, since it wasn’t written at the time. I learned how to see more clearly through my own repentance. I was prompted to look for my children’s developing false personality because I had heard Marilyn say that peer interaction is where it is developed. I took her word for that, and started looking for it in my children’s peer relationships. I saw a repeat in them of what I had already repented of and stopped.