Putting Off Assumption

The kids and I were in an auto accident last November. As a result, I’m now seeing a couple different therapists for my injuries. Therefore, I’ve been meeting several new people who ask general conversation starting questions as they spend various amounts of time with me. I’ve been struck, once again, how our culture shapes assumptions, and how easily those assumptions lead to barriers to actual relationship because of misunderstanding.

It’s not just the therapists, aids, and receptionists that have these assumptions, but also the hair dressers, dental aids, grocery store clerks, the ladies at Curves, relatives and fellow homeschoolers that carry these assumptions for categorizing people.

When I’m asked, “How old are your kids?”, and my answer is 12, 14, 16, 18, and 19, I often get the response, “Wow!, you must be busy!” I am busy, but it’s not like they think. Some elaborate on their comments. “I’ll bet you spend tons of time in the car!!” – meaning – I drive my teenagers to all sorts of activities. The cultural assumption is that each one of my teenagers are developing their own lives apart from the family. They have their own sets of activities, their own friends, and their own agenda. They assume that I’m driving all 5 of them to their different activities, going in a thousand different directions at once.

In reality, my kids love being together at home. We often can’t think of anything we’d like to go and do away from home, and apart from one tap dancing lesson, and a once a week job at the neighbors house, none of them have separate out of the home activities. I am busy, but its not in driving my kids here, there and everywhere.

I’ve been pondering how these assumptions stop up communication. The asking person assumes that they know what my life is like because they have assumptions about life with teenagers.

Assumed: Teenagers do high school. Truth: Mine spend their time learning. Assumed: 18 year olds are graduating from highschool, searching for a college, and are about to leave home. Truth: Mine are graduating from college, have never left home, and have no desire to get away from us. Assumed: Teenagers are difficult to live with. Truth: I couldn’t proceed with what we’re doing without them. They’re nothing but a blessing to me and others, not only in their skill, but in their attitudes and relational behavior as well.

Because new acquaintances end up believing they know what my life is like in a general way, there ends up being no need for further conversation. As a matter of fact. I find that further conversation often leads to a great deal of confusion, because my answers really won’t line up with cultural assumptions.

I’m OK with that. I’m used to being misunderstood, and I’m used to the look of confusion on people’s faces as they try to put me in a mental assumption box that doesn’t seem to fit. I’m not in need of being known or understood by them.

I’m sure you’ve been on the receiving end of assumption, and you know what I’m talking about. You’ve walked through the store with your 6 young children while people assume you run a daycare. You’ve been in the check stand as the clerk assumed that your kids know what grade they’re in, and then when your kids look to you, you can’t think of what grade their age would put them in either. You’ve been at a family gathering where relatives assume you are doing subject-divided, curriculum-based school at home. The assumptions leave you unknown and misunderstood.

My recent thoughts on assumption have turned toward the assumptions that moms often have about their own children and about education. These assumptions have the same effect of shutting down communication, stifling relationship, and leaving the children unknown and misunderstood. Children need to be known and understood by their parents, so these assumptions have damaging effects.

Mom assumes that if her children go through curriculum assignments, they are learning. Mom assumes that if children do well with their curriculum assignments they will succeed in life. Mom assumes that if a child achieves all the specified high-school credits, they will be prepared for adulthood. Mom assumes that if a child likes church, then they have a relationship with God. Mom assumes that her child’s play is an insignificant aspect of life that the child must grow out of. Mom assumes that immature behavior comes from evil intent. Mom assumes that her child’s desire to talk on and on is the child’s attempt to be annoying. Mom assumes that her angry outbursts will train her children to be willingly obedient. I could go on and on.

Assume – to take what is not just; to take with arrogant claims; to make undue claims from vanity or false pretensions; to seize unjustly; to take for granted, or without proof; to suppose as a fact

Are you basing your relationship with your child and your educational methods on assumptions? Could these assumptions be stifling your children, stopping up communication, and leaving your children feeling unknown and unloved?

For more in-depth discussion of how cultural assumptions blind us to true education and discipleship for our children see Marilyn Howshall’s eArticle, Two-Pronged Education Myth.

I pray you will truly come to know your precious children, and truly come to know the Lord who made them and to know His real intentions for them. I pray you’ll put off assumption.

~ Barbie Poling