Provoking and Offense

[from the archives]

“You can blog about how I ate FIVE strips of steak, Mommy!”  Lizzy recommended enthusiastically as she finished off her fifth piece.  We all burst out in laughter, and so did Lizzy.  That’s very common at our house—laughter.  So there you have it. I’ve blogged about Lizzy’s five strips of steak!

The other day I was sitting on Josiah’s bed talking to Lizzy and Josiah. “Can you guys remind me of how you used to be unloving to each other when you were cleaning the kitchen? I can’t remember, but I want to blog about it.” They began to explain, and my memories came flooding back.

Josiah loves to be efficient. He loves figuring out the most efficient way to do a task.  Consequently, he often feels the need to instruct Lizzy in how she should be doing what she is doing according to his ways of efficiency.  However, he hasn’t been loving in his instruction, but demanding and aggressive. He would start out by calmly telling Lizzy she was doing it wrong. “You should use the scrub brush instead of the sponge.” She would pretend like he wasn’t even there and continue doing it her way. Josiah would feel the need to be more adamant, and so he would raise his voice and get more demanding, “LIZZY! YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG! Use the scrub brush!” He would pick up the scrub brush trying to hand it to her. She would continue to ignore him. In exasperation he would attempt to grab the pan to show her she should use the scrub brush.

Lizzy was in the habit of jerking things away, so she would block his attempt with her body, “KNOCK IT OFF!”. Often this activity would be followed by a bit more physical aggression like Josiah pushing her back, while she responded by hitting him on the shoulder. Usually Lizzy would receive some sort of very slight pain, and then turn it into a huge trauma complete with tears, pouting, and offended looks. Josiah would attempt to be concerned for her hurt because he knows he ought to be, but she would refuse to be comforted by him.

If I hadn’t already come because of the raised voices, I would be approached by one or the other. Lizzy would come in attempting to keep her tears going or trying to work some up. “Josiah smacked my hand against the sink and it really hurts!!” she would sob out, blinking really hard trying to squeeze out tears.  Sometimes it would be Josiah who came to me, “I hurt Lizzy’s hand, but she won’t let me comfort her,” he would say with concern implying that I’d better get involved.

I would listen to the tale of the one who came to me.  “What happened and what did you do?” My children already know better than to try to leave out details in order to make themselves look better as I help them learn to solve their conflicts. They know I will check out their story with the other and come to fully understand what was happening. They know I will be just. I won’t grab one little detail and make a rush decision and quickly pass down punishments. “Were you being kind?” Usually in these situations, the answer is “No.” So then I ask, “What should you have done instead?”

After this interview I speak with the other child, usually in the presence of them both. I don’t permit the first child to interrupt or argue about the facts that the other is presenting until they’re done with the same set of questions. If they have a difference of opinion about the facts, I help them to see things from the other’s perspective, and clear up the misunderstanding.

I make sure that the children aren’t arguing about the motivations behind the actions. I don’t let them make declarations like, “She was just doing that to be mean!” or “He was doing that to make me mad.”  These assignments of intention and motivation come from assuming that we know what is in another’s heart.  This sort of accusation is unloving and reveals a lack of grace. It reveals that there is no desire to understand and be reconciled, but a clinging to rights opinions and offenses.

By the time I know what has happened, often both children know what they should have done instead, and they confess to one another their selfish, unloving actions and ask each other for forgiveness, then give each other a hug. 

They respond to correction this way because I have their hearts, and we’ve walked through these training times many times. They trust me, and they know I would not act in offense, demanding my own way, being harsh, and making opinionated accusations. My regular behavior toward them matches my instruction to them, and provides a model for what I’m saying to them. 

Lizzy realizes she shouldn’t have ignored Josiah, and he realizes he shouldn’t have gotten upset or tried to grab the pan, forcing his way on Lizzy. This resolved their conflict for the time being, but something like this would continue to happen between them every few days, requiring repeated training. In my next blog I’ll write about how it finally began to stop altogether.

Learn more about heart-level parenting in Marilyn Howshall’s ebook Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.

[originally posted August, 2010]