Predictable Response

[from the archives]

Lizzy popped her head into my bedroom door and with a slight offended frown on her face she said, “There’s a dinner pot in the sink.” That might not make sense to you, but it made perfect sense to me because I know my children well, and I can read beneath the surface. I’ll interpret for you.  She was really saying with self-righteousness and accusation, “I’m supposed to clean the kitchen after breakfast, but there’s an unwashed pot in the sink that has chilli remains on it, which means it’s not a breakfast dish but a dish from last night’s dinner that RACHEL didn’t wash!” (actually, Daddy probably put the last of the chilli in his lunch early in the morning and left the empty pot in the sink.)

As soon as she finished her verbalized statement, the tinge of a smile twisted her frown because she could tell after verbalizing her self-righteous accusation that it wasn’t the right thing to be saying or thinking, and she began to predict my response.

Our exchange was so predictable to her that she began laughing part way through. “What are the reasons you would wash that pot?” I asked.

“Because it would be loving.” (I was actually thinking the answer would be, “The kitchen will be clean,” but her answer was just as good.)

“What are the reasons you would not wash that pot?”

“Because I don’t want to. Rachel should have done it.”

“Well, you’ve got ‘it would be loving’ on this side, and ‘I don’t want to’ on this side.”  I moved my hands up and down like they were a scale.

She said, “One’s loving, and one’s all about me.”

“What will you do?” I said smiling.

She gave me the “I knew you were going to say that mom,” look combined with the “I should have known that wasn’t gonna work” look and plopped in the chair beside me giggling. “I’m going to do the loving thing! Besides, Rachel isn’t even home!”

Smiling I said, “Well then, on your mark, get set, go!”

She got up and left my room, and I clapped and said, “Yay!” like a cheerleader.

Then I shouted after her I was going to write that one on my blog!! LOL!

Josiah came in a moment later. Already laughing at his own sense of humor he said, “The dishwasher is full of DINNER dishes!” attempting to imply that he didn’t need to empty it, and trying to put on a frowny face. He didn’t even wait for my response, but cracked up laughing at his own teasing attempt at a bad attitude and left to clean the kitchen with Lizzy continuing the joy and laughter.

They’re growing in harmony, teamwork and service in their clean-the-kitchen task one heart-level conversation at a time. It wasn’t always this way. They used to offend each other a great deal and attempt to do as little as possible toward actually cleaning the kitchen, having the attitude of not doing anything unless the other did their share too. Heart training takes a great deal of time and many conversations pointing to the ways of love.

Some might ask, “Wouldn’t it be easier if you just cleaned the kitchen yourself or at least assigned them specific tasks in the kitchen instead of giving them the shared responsibility of cleaning it together?”

Yes, it would be easier to do it myself, but then they wouldn’t have the opportunity to develop Christlike character in self-sacrificing love and joyful teamwork toward doing something together that just needs to be done.

You can learn more about heart-level parenting in Marilyn Howshall’s  ebook Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.

[originally posted Aug 2010]