No Longer Fostering Lies

[from the archives]

Some of you have read my story of my husband’s four day long grudge and wondered, “Why didn’t you just tell him why the branches were still on the road? Why didn’t you just let him know the truth? Why didn’t you just apologize that it didn’t get done? Some of you who are given to irritation, frustration, blaming and anger yourselves may be thinking, “What’s wrong with getting upset about it? It’s understandable. He wanted the branches off the road, and they weren’t gone. That would be upsetting to me.”

My husband entered our branches-left-on-the-road situation with a set of unloving assumptions that were habitual to his way of thinking about life. He assumed that he knew why the branches were still there, and he assumed the worst of me, that it was done maliciously in order to thwart his efforts toward his agenda. These are the kind of assumptions that produce condemning judgment. These kinds of assumptions are rooted in arrogance—the idea that life is “all about me”, and that if I’m having a problem it’s because someone else is stupid or bad, and I know everything.

Based on these unloving assumptions, he produced accusations against me that were completely false—“You don’t care, you didn’t do what you said you would do, you lied.” Based on these lies that he created in his own mind, he rose up to assault me with anger and a demand that I defend myself and be punished. The punishment was that I apologize and suffer the silent grudge treatment; (apologies had never stopped the silent grudge treatment, so the punishment would be both).  This was another lie that he believed—he had the right to accuse and judge me and demand my defense and execute punishment for me.

No one can listen to or hear the truth (an honest explanation of motivations and perspectives from the other person) when their mind is full of self-centered assumptions, arrogant anger, blame, judgment and self-exaltation of this nature. He was in complete error in every way. If I had defended myself against his lies by trying to explain what had happened, I would be participating with him in error and lies. I would be agreeing with him that he was right to assume ill of me, and that he was my judge and my accuser. This is why I did not defend myself or agree with his punishment that I needed to make an apology.

Assuming, accusing and judging are what the Pharisees regularly did to Jesus. Jesus did not behave as though they actually had the right to speak to him as they did in judgment, demanding his defense. He refused to answer their demanding questions and told them the truth of what they were doing instead. He sometimes simply remained silent; (see Matt 12:34-40;15:1-9 Luke 11:53-54 among many others).

When people get irritated and selfishly angry they are choosing to respond to the situations of life with personal offense. This is the same thing as unforgiveness, resentment and bitterness. These are all issues of the heart that are coming from within the angry person. Selfish anger and irritation are NEVER caused by the situation or any of the other people involved, even when there is carelessness or sinfulness involved. Self-centered offended irritation and selfish anger are ALWAYS wrong, unChristlike and unloving responses; (see Luke 6:35).

The branches, my lack of informing him, the bulldozer guy coming—none of these things caused Tim’s untruthful blaming, anger and judgment. I did not cause it. The branches did not cause it. His lack of information did not cause it. It was his habitual internal knee-jerk reaction to make assumptions, take up offense and dish out blame and punishment. He told himself that we were the cause and in this way he justified it to himself. “I wouldn’t have to get mad if you hadn’t…..” His belief that we were the cause of his habitual anger was another lie.

Telling Tim what had really happened would not have dispelled his anger, because his anger wasn’t based in truth or caused by the circumstances, it was coming from within him. He learned the truth through the kids’ conversation at dinner, and he still clung to his blaming accusations and punishment for me. We easily accomplished the task in plenty of time the next morning, and he still clung to his grudge. His assumptions were more important to him than the truth of what actually happened. His assumptions and offense prevented him from being loving to the kids and to me. His assumptions prevented him from being Christlike.

My previous ways of relating didn’t help him see the lies he was believing, but instead I fostered them and nurtured them by believing them too and saying he was justified to be angry with us, by engaging with him in his accusing judgmental exchanges, by apologizing according to his blame, and by doing everything I possibly could do to keep him from being angry in the first place (which never worked by the way).

With my help accompanied with the teaching he was receiving in our discipleship group with the Howshalls, Tim conquered all of these relational habits. Over the next year and a half as I continued to confront him with the truth about his behavior he came to realize that he was tearing us down in order to build himself up. He let go of his arrogant assumptions. He came to examine himself whenever he recognized that he was feeling irritated, and there he found the real self-seeking source of his anger and he repented. He learned to love me and the kids more than himself and his agenda. He came to be reconciled to the Lord. He came to be intensely grateful for my loving help for him.

This is what love would have looked like in our branches-on-the-road situation. Tim would have come home, seen the branches, and he would have automatically assumed that something happened that he did not know about to keep me or the boys from getting the branches off the road. He would have trusted my intentions toward him and our circumstances and automatically assumed the best of me. He would have walked in with concern, desiring to understand. He would have said, “Is everything alright? I thought you guys were going to get the branches off the road today.” I would have been totally free to invite him into comforting the boys. He would have been able to connect with them in their concerns and showered us all with forgiveness and understanding that had already been in place, which is grace. This is how he behaves now—always. Instead of assuming the worst of us, accusing and punishing, he exerts his concern to know and understand what concerns us and care about all of it with us. This is true love, and it produces true and lasting peace.

Are you participating in lies with someone who controls you? Are you keeping them trapped in their sin with your part of the habitual relational interchanges? Are you walking in arrogance, assumptions, and accusations punishing those around you with demands or the silent grudge treatment?

God’s ways of growth and change are relational. Won’t you let Him teach you how to strip off your selfish habits and relate rightly in love, blessing others and meeting their true needs?

My story continues here….

P.S. My husband Tim gives me full permission and his blessing to share these stories about our past. We hope these stories will help others to see controlling and being controlled behaviors in their lives, and come to repentance and reconciliation with the Lord and with the people in their lives.

[originally posted December, 2010]