[from the archives]
I’ve been thinking about you. I’ve been thinking about those who read my blogs.
I’ve been writing a great deal about how I specifically talk with my kiddos about the issues of their hearts. It’s occurred to me that some may be thinking, “Great! If I just say things like Barbie says them, then my kids will have great attitudes and they’ll choose to love and serve and be kind.”
Perhaps I’ve been remiss in neglecting to talk about MY attitude while I talk with my kids about theirs. It’s true that when I talk with my children about the attitudes, intentions, and motivations of their hearts, they listen. It’s true that as they listen and I help them see the truth, they desire to repent and choose the loving thing to do.
However, their DESIRE to choose love does not come from the words I choose to use or what I talk about. Their DESIRE to listen to me and cooperate with my questions, answering me honestly doesn’t come from my questions. Their desire comes from my example to them and from my love that they experience day in and day out coming from me to them. I regularly shower them with physical affection and loving words of approval. I listen to them talk about what they’re interested in saying. I have good and right attitudes that I model to them day in and day out. I also don’t sin against them.
You can talk to your children about their attitudes and about doing loving things until you’re blue in the face, but if you are not consistently living with right attitudes and frequently and regularly doing loving things, your words will mean nothing to them except another lecture or “talking to” that they would rather avoid. If they’re afraid of you, they may temporarily stop what they’re doing, but it won’t change them. If they’ve experienced that you’re afraid of them, they’ll talk back, continue their unloving behavior and otherwise refuse to listen or talk with you about it altogether.
One of the most common ways parents fail to love their children is in being irritated, frustrated, angry and offended. If you attempt to talk with your children about their attitude while you’re irritated or frustrated with them, you’re wasting their time and yours, even if you manage to keep your tone calm and measured. If you have a habit of being irritated and frustrated or angry, your children don’t trust you because you are sinning against them on a regular basis, and their hearts are far from WANTING to learn how to love from you.
No one and nothing makes you irritated or angry. It’s a choice you are making or a habit you’ve developed with bad attitudes, wrong motivation, and self-seeking intentions. There is a loving way to respond to every relational situation, even when the other party is in sin. If you have an irritated or angry attitude toward your children, you are simply choosing against love in your heart.
Over and over I’ve heard moms justify their stinky attitudes by saying that they only want what’s best for their children. They justify their anger when the kids don’t do their chores properly by saying that in their hearts they only want their children to be good hard workers and it’s right that they learn to do their chores well. These moms just don’t realize their irritation and anger is only teaching their children how to be irritated and angry, and that’s NOT what is best for their children.
If you’ve been attempting to talk with your children about their behavior or attitudes and you have little result, be assured that it’s not your children who are the problem. It’s you.
As I’ve been thinking about those who read my blog, I’m hoping for your children’s sake that you don’t try to take my words and use them in an irritated or angry lecture toward them.
So I want to be clear. NONE of the interchanges I’ve recounted to you in my blog include irritation or anger in my voice, in my thoughts, or in my heart. I don’t have to take a break and cool down before I talk with them. ALL of my conversations with my kids are spoken with love and understanding coming from me and my children know it, not because I tell them so, but because they 
experience my loving relationship with them day in and day out. I help them overcome their self-centeredness because I’ve overcome mine, and they know and experience it regularly and consistently. That is why they listen and DESIRE to do what is right and loving.
Dear moms, if you want your children to DESIRE to be loving, you must be loving in your every relational interaction with them. Our children are becoming what we are.
To learn more about heart-level parenting, read Marilyn Howshall’s book Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.
[originally posted September 2010]
This is all starting to fall into place. I am beginning to see how very, VERY important acting in true love is. Your post is yet another clarification. And it makes it much easier to set aside the fear of “getting behind” in our homeschooling and focus on the relationships which are the truly important thing. Because nothing else will happen well, not academics or character training if it is not done in an atmosphere and with an attitude of love, REAL love.
And I am beginning to see how it is crucial that I learn the signs and tools of learning if I hope to teach my children in a loving manner, respectful of who God made them to be.
Thank you for everything.
Renee,
If you get the chance you should read Christi’s testimony on the LOL web site. She explains what love is doing in her home, and in her homeschooling.
I did. Just this morning. 🙂 And I wanted to reply to her but there was no way to do that in that venue. Much of what she wrote could have been my own words! I also noticed the dates and that what all is happening is happening in a beautifully short span of time. So I have hope. Christi, if you read Barbie’s blogs, thanks for sharing. 😉
Wow, this is so powerful. This is only from the Holy Spirit, with much time in His presence that will accomplish. Nothing on my own has ever shown fruit. But recently, have been delving into the word and His almighty and gracefilled presence, often, and it is so fruitful. I love this narrative. It shows us how it can be done, and not on our own, only from the grace of God. Thank you.
Dear Jeri,
As parents we must earnestly cry out to the Lord for His revelation of our sin. He answers this prayer by convicting us of specific self-seeking actions, thoughts, attitudes, motivations, and intentions through our conscience. Listening to the Holy Spirit speaking through your conscience to stop your unloving behavior is what will accomplish the fruit of right relationships and desire to be loving in your children. When we enter into the Lord’s presence telling the truth about our sin and repenting, turning away from sinning against our family in our actions, our thoughts, our attitudes, intentions and motivations we will be free to love our children in the way that I am describing.
Many Christians mistakenly believe that we come to know and experience God more by reading the Bible more or participating in more earnest religious activity, but 1 John makes it clear, “Dear friends, let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God. Anyone who loves is a child of God and knows God. But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” 1 John 4:7-8. If we are not loving our family we do not know God. The way to come to know God’s grace is to repent and learn to love.
Here it is in the message Bible “My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love”
And again here in 1 John 3:6 “Anyone who continues to live in him will not sin. But anyone who keeps on sinning does not know him or understand who he is.” It’s very plain, if you continue to sin against your children, you do not know God or understand him, no matter how much Bible study or religious activity you engage in.
The fruit of knowing God is love, beginning with the consistent and thorough love you express toward your children.
I’m new to this and see more clearly that I’ve not been bringing my children up in spiritual maturity because I’m not spiritually mature. It’s been carnal control, not love. Just yesterday I didn’t know where to begin with this new understanding that I had, but this post has been helpful. I’m going to start with confession of my wrong attitudes and motives. I need Him every second to show me how to love! Thanks for sharing, Barbie.