Hiding Sin from Ourselves.

[from the archives]

From my bedroom in the front of the trailer I heard in a slightly disgusted tone coming through the thin walls, “French Toast! That’s going to take too long. Someone’s going to have to help me. Did we even bring any syrup?…..This isn’t enough syrup. Look, it’s not even full. Who packed this? Why didn’t you bring more than this? There won’t be enough! French toast without syrup isn’t worth making. Where’s the cinnamon and vanilla?…..We didn’t bring any?! What’s the point in having French toast without cinnamon and vanilla? Why weren’t they packed?! What else is there to eat?…yogurt? That’s it?!”  She went on to give a general lecture to all the kids about the importance of checking the list and making sure everything was packed properly, but her tone was not loving or gracious.

I was surprised by this outburst of complaint, especially coming form Rachel. Our long camping trip was nearly over, and we’d had none of this sort of attitude coming from any of the kids mouths or hearts at any time. I popped my head out of my room, “You are not being kind and you need to change your attitude.” She dropped the harshness in her voice immediately and tried to explain that she really didn’t like French toast and she didn’t want to go to the work of fixing it, asking if she could fix herself something else. None the less, she began the preparations for making French toast and stopped her complaining. After getting dressed and taking over the French toast procedure I began to correct Rachel.

I explained to her how she had pressed her complaining attitude on all of us. I validated the fact that she did not like French toast, but everyone else does. I told her she had been accusing and blaming the packers of the trailer. She listened and was very sobered. She apologized to me, verbally expressing that she didn’t want to be that way and she shouldn’t have done that. Then she got the attention of all the kids to ask their forgiveness. She was totally changed outwardly in her behavior, but I didn’t feel that we’d gotten to the bottom of it. I could see it in her eyes.

Later on we talked about it some more. I asked her why she thought she did that. She was more than willing to consider this because she was puzzled by her own outburst, aware that it was unusual and not good. She was mostly moved back to the facts. She just doesn’t like French toast. I’ve noticed that when people are trying to justify to themselves their own sin that’s hiding in their hearts, they really like to stick to the facts. It was another fact that there wasn’t quite enough syrup and no cinnamon or vanilla. These were all undeniable facts. But the facts are NEVER a justification or a cause for unloving behavior, and her desire to stick to the facts proved to me that there was more in her heart that she was hiding from herself.

She had voluntarily decided to make breakfast for everyone that morning so that I wouldn’t have to. She wanted to bless me and be part of the team until she found that the menu called for French toast. I asked her if she thought that she was going to get some praise and approval out of making the breakfast, and that she thought she might look badly if she made cinnamonless, vanillaless, low syrup French toast. My questions were in order to help her probe her underlying motivations, the ones she herself was not really aware of. She needed to let go of a focus on the facts. She didn’t think that was it. She just felt like there were so many things that didn’t get packed for this trip.

Rachel has traditionally been my very responsible packer for the kitchen/food part of our trips. For this trip the packing was done mostly by our youngest Lizzy with Josiah’s help. I asked her if she was placing her own value and worth in her ability to pack responsibly, and so she had a need to tear down the immature job that was done by the kids. This question made her think more toward her feelings about packing. She began to express how she couldn’t participate in the packing because we had asked her to drive Phillip to his orthodontist appt. on the morning of our departure. As she expressed this tears began to well up in her eyes.

She knew in her mind that we all knew why she didn’t help pack, and we had not expected her to be responsible for it. Why did this upset her? She began to share an experience she’d had toward the beginning of our trip. She had realized that something had been forgotten and asked generally why we didn’t bring it. One of the kids, she didn’t remember who, had said, “Why didn’t YOU pack it?!”. As she told me about this interchange, tears began to drip down her cheeks as she realized she’d taken up offense by that comment; she received it as being blamed for a bad packing job, and she didn’t want to be thought of as a bad packer. This had festered into a total lack of grace for those that had packed and resulted in her complaining outburst several days later over French toast.

I began to talk with her about what this revealed about her heart motivations. She was trying to get the good thoughts of others for her service. She was using others in order to get approval for herself so that she could build herself up in her own mind to believe that she was responsible and helpful. This meant she wasn’t helping in order to be a blessing, but to get approval and praise. As I told the truth about the real nature of her selfishness, she began to see it for what it was—using her siblings for self-centered gain in self-approval—and her tears turned from mild offense to brokenness over her sin and now we really needed some Kleenex. I moved closer to her and put my arms around her.

I told her that if she didn’t have a need to be thought of as a responsible helper, she would not have taken up offense at the remark. She would have been able to rest in the fact that she could not help, and even if the other child meant the comment as an attack, she would not have received it as blame for herself.

Rachel got this flesh tendency from me. I spent my life up until these last few years doing the same. I could dive this deep into her heart and motivations because I’ve allowed the Holy Spirit and others (Marilyn) to dive this deep into my heart and tell me the truth. I’ve repented from this same self-seeking motivation, and left it behind so I can lead Rachel there too.

Rachel has seen this motivation in herself before, and she’s repented to the depth that she’s seen it. As she expressed her continuing deep desire to be free of it, I assured her that is what the Lord is doing. Her outburst brought it out for both of us to see so that we could go deeper, and recognize it’s ways in her more clearly, tell the truth about it more boldly, and put it to death more fully. She now has more skill for recognizing the work of her flesh, and she’ll be able to put it to death in her heart, long before it reaches the point of spewing over onto those that she loves.

Parenting is God’s work in my heart, so that I can work in my children’s hearts, drawing them toward Him who is love.

You can read more about parenting at the heart level in Marilyn Howshall’s book Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.

[originally posted September 2010]