[from the archives]
It’s 7:00am.
I know it’s 7:00am because my son Phillip is quietly poking his head through my bedroom door. I look up from my writing or studying to smile at him. He smiles back and comes in. He’s got something on his mind that he wants to tell me about. It’s a new idea for a project he has or a concern or a new thought or a report about something previous or a question. He moves the stack of bed pillows from the rocking chair to my bed where they belong and sits down to talk.
I love these times in the morning when Phillip comes to talk with me. We started meeting in the mornings in the fall of 2006 when he was 13yrs old. At that time our morning meetings were required by me. He had been lying about and avoiding his few daily tasks. As I prayed about my concerns for him, the Holy Spirit gave me the instruction to meet with him every morning in order to pour love on him and then instruct him to do his tasks right then. I didn’t know it at the time, but the Lord was doing much more than just giving me a method for getting him to complete his tasks; He was taking me through the steps to win Phillip’s heart. Our relationship had been broken by me, and the Holy Spirit was showing me how to fix it and be reconciled.
That fall Phillip repented and eagerly directed his heart toward me and toward the Lord. He became a totally new person and our meetings shifted from requirement to total joy for both of us. He became so hungry for my instruction that our meetings began lasting an hour or more. We talked about every area of his life and he grew in his ability to love his siblings and come out of his quiet inwardly focused self. Our relationship flourished and his relationship with the rest of the family exploded into deep bonds of love, service and kindness.
In mid 2008, our morning meetings had to come to an end. My mom who was living with us had come to the place in the progression of her Alzheimer’s disease where she could no longer get out of bed and dress herself alone. I needed to be in her room each morning caring for her until her death in September 2009. In the meantime, Phillip had adopted new morning time habits.
A few months ago Phillip brought me his concern that he wasn’t being as diligent with his studying as he wanted to be. He was learning pre-calc, and he didn’t particularly like it so he saw himself avoiding it; which bothered his conscience. He purposed to do his pre-calc first thing each morning, but in procrastination he always found something else to do. “Can I be accountable to you mom?” he said after we talked about what he could do.
And that’s how we got started again on our morning meetings. He comes in to talk over his plans for the day. He leaves motivated to willingly and eagerly tackle the things he’d rather not do. But many mornings he’d rather not leave because our conversations are so rich and full and we end up talking all the way up until breakfast.
It’s 7:00am. I love being Phillip’s mom. I love having his heart. I’m so glad we’re meeting again.
[originally posted July 2010]
Love this!
This is very encouraging to me. I have a new idea for restoring my relationships with my kids.
Oh I love this! I love the time talking with the older kids, hearing their heart and their questions and listening to their plans and thoughts. I too have a requirement for my 12 1/2 yo son that he starts every morning and ends every night with checking in with me. Sometimes it’s just a quick hi bye, and other times it turns into an hour more conversation. It’s a special time, even as teens they need to grow into their own person, having an anchor is a good thing, and that relationship is so very very important.
This really inspires me! I often see myself avoiding things I don’t want to do. I know I can meet with the Lord to gain encouragement and direction, just like you and Phillip! What a gift of love between mother and son to have these times of sharing. Asking the Lord to expand my interest, desire and vocabulary to communicate more deeply with my children like this. Thanks for this post, Barbie. 🙂
Could I ask you what you talked about? How did you get him to meet with you at a specific time?
This is also part of what the attachment theory demonstrated with child development which is based on relationships.
Dear Jackie,
At the time I wrote this post, my son was 17, and he wanted to meet with me in order to keep his own schedule better. We talked about all sorts of things that he was thinking about and planning to do. He wanted to know what I was thinking about as well as share what he was thinking about, so we often talked about whatever was on my mind too.
When he was 13, and I required him to meet with me, I put an alarm clock in my room that he needed to be present for to turn off. If the alarm in my room went off, I would give him more chores to do that day since it was over chores that we were needing to meet at that time. The alarm never went off, and after about 2 weeks of meeting with me daily, and me showering him with love daily, he didn’t need the alarm to be motivated to be there anymore. At that time, we talked about his small chores and I encouraged him to do them well. I also talked to him about how much I loved him and encouraged him with anything from his real life that I could think of at the time.
I’m not familiar with “attachment theory”.
Hi Barbie,
Thank you for your reply and how you explained in detail what you did. It makes a lot of sense and I will be listening to what Holy Spirit is saying to me regarding my children.
The attachment theory is taught by Dr Gordon Neufeld who is a developmental psychologist. A simple way to explain it is to ‘collect before you direct’, that’s a catch phrase he uses. He wrote a book called Hold Onto Your Kids, Why Parents Matter. What you and Marilyn are teaching is very much in line with what he teaches except your focus is more on listening to God although what he’s teaching is based on principles that I believe are in line with scripture.
Attachment starts when a baby needs something, the caregiver is always there to respond and take care of that need to be fed, diaper changed, held etc. They know that safety, that mom, dad are safe and the world is a safe place. These are the people they attach to. It’s a grounding, where they learn values, develop a conscience.
Again, thank you, for the sweet encouragement of what the Spirit will guide us into… I am prompted to pray for you and your son, and the strong witness that your relationship has become to so many.
Thank you for your prayers Luisa ~ Barbie