I recently started homeschooling my sixteen-year-old child. I’ve been attempting to gain her heart and have seen marked improvement. She comes to me for advice, is physically affectionate, and enjoys being with me which is a great contrast to the past. BUT (you knew that was coming) she is still texting throughout our activities (unless I instruct her to put it away for awhile) and she is eager to get online during free time to connect with friends.
I have been hesitant to put strict restraints on these things because I pulled her away from so much. I wanted to ease into this area without yanking the rug out from under her. I guess my question is, should I limit everything and just know that bringing her alongside me will show her my love? I have been seeking the Lord on this because I don’t want my hesitancy to be about me wanting to please. (I read Marilyn’s Constraining Ways which started my questioning) — Hesitant to Restrain
Getting Reacquainted
How wonderful that the Lord is giving you this precious opportunity with your daughter at this stage of her growth! The answers to your question are found in wisdom and love. What does your daughter need from you right now? You probably already know that the fact your daughter comes to you for advice doesn’t automatically equate with her willingness to receive at the heart-level your correction and instruction of her life’s activities. What do you think she needs? It’s good that she wants to be with you. However, in this season, there are several things I can think of that she needs, all of which will require a concentrated effort on your part along with her full cooperation:
• She needs to place all of her hopes for relationship toward you, dad, and her siblings.
• She needs to come into personal identity in Christ.
• She needs to explore and come into vital purpose, and so on.
Her pre-occupation with her social life will prevent these objectives from happening. Personally, I don’t understand the need for a 16-yr-old at home to text and do the social network thing at all. These activities provide a false sense of belonging that need to be filled by real relationships in the family, and through a real lifestyle that is filled with much vital purpose. Your daughter needs to know what you want for her and why these activities ought to be limited in her life. She needs to be led to see their emptiness as that’s cast alongside the filling up of her real life.
Her window of opportunity for coming into maturity within the family is short and so you need to be strongly focused for her sake. Begin to replace these activities with other vital, productive ones, by examining with her what her interests are, and bringing her into one or two, while at the same time involving her more closely with you in the management and care of the home, and in becoming more tied into her siblings lives and interests. Also spend a special day once in awhile with just her pursuing an interest through an outing so your own relationship becomes special to her.
Many happy blessings as you become reacquainted with your precious one!
~ Marilyn
Wow. I need mentors to help me minister to my kids hearts. When I read these blogs I fully feel convicted but don’t seem to know how to actually practice it. I have an 18 yr old boy or man who desperately needs direction. How can I love and encourage him when he’s not really making good choices. He’s not a bad kid but he’s lazy about his school and chores. I find myself lecturing him and wanting to take away privelages but he’s really too old for that. Is it too late? He’s thinking to join military but is in no hurry to graduate. Almost like he still 14 or even 12. I also have 11 yr old boy who im afraid is slipping away. I really know I need to be different but can’t figure out how. Also have 20 yr old girl who is dating a non christian. She knows we don’t approve but thinks its her choice. I am grieving. Feel like all my work and prayers futile. Wish we had mentors here. I live in Texas. Is there any reading material you reccomend? Desperate mom.
Hi ckortiz,
I want to encourage you. I can completely feel the sadness you feel about your children not following in the ways you desire. I also understand the “helplessness” you might feel about not being able to change. You might feel hopeless to have any influence for good in their lives at this point. I have recently exeperienced all these feelings. But take heart! God is a loving and good deliverer!
You are convicted and responding to these blogs because of the truth you are seeing. It is time for YOU to take a step toward the Lord…but how? How do you activate this truth in your own life…isn’t that what you are really asking?
First I would encourage you that the Lord Himself has brought you here. He loves you so much and loves your children much more than even you do! 🙂 Hooray! My first lesson was to begin listening to my conscience, for that is where the Lord works. He will be speaking to you through your conscience about love and loving things you can be doing toward your family. Your flesh will rise up and question. You’ll have to die to your own ways in the process of taking the small steps He will lead you to in the beginning.
If you are really serious about seeking Him, well, I speak from experience, He will be found! Have you read the Wisdom’s Way of Learning books? You also might like “As God Parents You, Parent Your Children”. I have been deeply challenged (and deeply changed!) through beginning to listen to the Lord through my conscience.
http://lifestyleoflearning.org/WWOL/5_asGodParents.html
You can also get more support at the H.E.M Facebook page (Home Educated Mom) I think this link will work:
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/home.php?sk=group_92604579980
Dear Heavenly Father,
You know this woman well. And you are calling to her. I ask Lord that she will listen and follow. Please activate her conscience so she can hear you clearly. Give her strength to obey and overcome her own flesh (selfishness) as You have so mercifully done for me.
Amen 🙂
This is a wonderful response, Michelle! Thank you for sharing your insights. I know you’ve been on a healing journey of your own and have been experiencing God’s fruits of true change in your family. Thank You, Lord! ~ Marilyn
This post is fabulous and needed, Marilyn, thank you! You said, “all of which will require a concentrated effort on your part along with her full cooperation”. Could you expound on how to get full cooperation. Do you mean agreement? What if the child is highly opposed and openly says it, even threatens desperate measures if you follow through? I’m aware this is manipulation (it’s worked in the past) but I’m wondering if you have advice about it.