Getting More Specific

[from the archives]

In my last blog post, I was talking about training my children to clean the kitchen in love together as a team. As I think more about my kids’ process of learning, I remember more about how it used to be as I dealt with their hearts in this area.

Phillip was one who took up personal offense by the injustice of the younger ones’ immaturity of attitude and skill. He would stop working at the kitchen clean-up in order to enforce his own brand of legalism on the others, and he did so with stern disapproving looks. He would leave the kitchen to find, usually Josiah or Lizzy, who were not helping, and sternly say something often cryptic like, “YOU’RE not where you should be.” Frequently the offending child would simply ignore his presence and his words.

He would usually then step up his enforcement, and sometimes use his strength to dump the other from their seat or take up their wrist and try to pull them toward the kitchen or shoo them with a snapping dishtowel. Sometimes he made it sound like he was playing or teasing, but there was a demanding edge to his enforcement of their presence in the kitchen. Typically this would produce offended cries that would grab my attention.

I’d come to see what was happening. “Are you being kind?”  I would ask. Their natural tendency was to begin explaining their offenses.

“She’s not cleaning the kitchen!”

“He’s hurting my arm!”

I stopped them both from answering me this way. “You need to answer me ‘yes’ or ‘no’.  Are you being kind?”

Reluctantly they would both say, “No.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

“Be kind.” They would say. I’d talked to them many times about their conscience and kindness, and I showed them with my constant relational behavior what kindness looks like. They both knew they were not being kind and that they were both wrong in their behavior. Often times I would ask them if they knew what they needed to do differently in order to be kind.  Usually they knew, but occasionally we needed to talk through what kindness and love would look like in that particular situation. I usually had them re-do the situation.

“Phillip, go back in the kitchen; Lizzy, go back to your book on the couch.  Now, Phillip come in and say what you should have said, and then Lizzy you do and say what you should have done and said.”

They would obey, but if it wasn’t with right attitudes and right tone of voice, then we would do it again. Usually once or twice was enough to bring them to laughter and their work would go forward with some added joy.

Some time in the next little while I would take them each aside and help them remember that they needed to make it right with the other. They’ve been in the habit of making sincere apologies for years, so they know what to say and do. Soon they would be hugging and usually giggling a little too.

Although this scenario was repeated many times, it did come to an end.  I’ll write about that more in my next blog post.

[originally posted August 2010]