Equally Yoked ~ Is It Possible for Our Children?

“As the mother of adult children, whom I raised in the Spirit and whose lives are a reflection of God’s love to and from me, I would like to address the topic of mates for our children. My children (in their 20s) don’t date, because they are so disenchanted with the dysfunction of most peers. Of course I battle the lie that I have created peculiar children who will never find appropriate mates. Because the statistics are so alarmingly low, what can we do to ensure that our children are equally yoked, not just with a Christian, but with a true-natured Believer? As a mom with married adult kids, perhaps you would have some insight and time to encourage my faith, as you have so lovingly done all these years in matters of home education.” ~ Wanting God’s Best

Peculiar Children, Unfit For the World 

I can so hear your heart in this concern since I went through similar questionings with the Lord early on. I too wondered if I was creating such peculiar children that they wouldn’t “fit” in this world or with anyone who didn’t have a similar background. And to be honest there was a brief period of time my children became disenchanted too, due to so many experiences around the country with dysfunctional peers who didn’t know how to have mutually caring relationships. Actually, truth be told, and as I’m certain you know, followers of Jesus Christ are supposed to be an ill-fit! People need to be reconciled to God and not the other way around!

Being a minister of the Gospel for 20 years, and a mom who has tended the garden of her children’s hearts, I prayed God would provide and prepare the ones who would one day join our family. Our family never wanted to be split apart since our purpose had always been together for the ministry God gave to us, and so this was a real concern that our children’s future partners wouldn’t take them away from this purpose, and what eventually would be a legacy for them, and in fact desire to be a part of it themselves. The good Lord kept His promises, and we are deeply grateful to have all our children around us today, and don’t take that for granted as we are acutely aware of God’s hand in it.

Looking For the Wrong Thing?

I can’t give any specific advice or even a formula for how to proceed, but I can tell you a bit of my own story, in the hopes you might get a glimpse into or inspiration for how to help your children prepare to receive God’s gift to them.

Perhaps, parents and young adults look for the wrong things when viewing the landscape of potential mates. I don’t believe it’s something to look for in the natural, except for the self-government toward responsibility we want to see demonstrated in a potential mate. As to unique values, I’m saying that if they pursue Bible knowledge, have a particular style of clothing, they’ve been homeschooled, like church activity or if they want to be in ministry, none of these are an indication they would make a faithful and appropriate mate. Rather, it’s a heart preparation—more specifically, an open heart to God—even if the person is yet lost, but still a work that God is involved in as He turns the heart toward Himself and toward human accountability. The Lord knows if someone is teachable at the heart-level no matter what sort of upbringing they’ve had. The Lord knows if someone wants to be interdependent within a strong family unit instead of living their own lives independent of any accountability. And the Lord knows if someone wants to be parented.

This was my adopted daughter (my niece by birth), Jennifer’s, story. Her heart’s cry was to be in a real family. This prompted the state to run a search to find my mother’s family and see if there was any chance someone might want to take her in. She and her brothers had been in foster care for two years, and yet no one in my family knew of it. The state was planning on setting her up in an apartment with a job, because she was turning fifteen and had to be processed out of the system. But the cry of her heart got God’s attention, and He answered her even though she didn’t know anything about Him, and had never been around Christians, and in fact had heard many expressions of dishonor against God her whole life. She responded to God’s love through her new family, and in time received His abundant healing for her life. She grew in wisdom and eventually assumed responsibility to acquire for herself an education. She doesn’t in any way resemble the sad, messed up girl who came to live with us. She is a new person in Christ and virtually all the grave clothes of her past have been gone from her soul for several years.

God knows how to change people, and He knows who to send to your family, and so what I’m suggesting has never given me cause for concern, since the Lord instructed me well in how to cooperate with Him to bring people who have a true heart for Him into that heart-level process for their lives. To be quite honest with you, I never hoped for future partners for my children who had been homeschooled or even who were churched. Jim and I are first generation Christians, and so we understand what it takes to become real, authentic Christians. Religious upbringings that are often carried out in legalism, make it really hard for people to see their need for a Savior. And lives that have been covered in “christian” activities can often be a cover up for having never come into authentic reality, while anesthetizing them from the hard work of maturing. The Kingdom of Christ is established and functions relationally only at the heart-level, and apart from this grounding all other activity that is considered to be Christian or spiritual is suspect. I’m just saying, the appearance of righteousness is hardly a guarantee our children will make a good marriage.

Directing My Children’s Hopes 

I began communicating to my children when they were young adults that they too must not look at the outside appearance or upbringing of a person as an indication of their heart’s response to God’s hand of providence on their life. They came to understand that whoever God sent would probably have a measure of messy relational stuff that needed to be addressed since most people are not truly parented at the heart-level, nor do most Christians receive heart-level parenting by God. However, I assured them that we would parent them before they were allowed to enjoy more than a family group-style relationship with our children that was open with intent toward a couple relationship.

I do wish to clarify that when Aaron, my son-in-love, and Eireen, my daughter-in-love, came to visit, it wasn’t because they came searching for a future mate. We had already cultivated a lifestyle of reaching out to people, and I had many years of experience ministering to heart-level needs. Any parent who learns how to work in their own children’s hearts, and sustains that work for the duration of maturation into adulthood can also reach out and do similar works in the lives of others who want to make their lives whole.

I write about this heart-level parenting in the new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith. I’ve been able to minister to others at this personal heart level not because I am in ministry, and so am “gifted” to do so, but because it is the same way I parented my own children as I received deep heart-level parenting from God. Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith can help you to see your need for God’s parenting in your own life so you can learn to disciple your children as you parent them, and in turn learn to disciple others that the Lord brings to you.

By the time Aaron and Eireen came to visit I was very comfortable reaching them and ministering to their true heart-level needs in truth-telling with correction and instruction. Even my children were comfortable being heart-level friends with them, helping them to understand many relational issues. Our whole family was ministering to them as we had done for others through the years.

Here were some of our relational goals for Aaron and Eireen: Since they came to receive for deeper relational needs, they became friends with our whole family first, learning how to relate properly in a mature way. They came to know how to work out misunderstandings quickly, and to be willing to examine all unloving behaviors and put them away, so they could learn how to love the way God loves us. This is the way our family had been relating with each other for many years. They were encouraged to move their own spiritual growth forward, becoming self-governed, learning how to receive God’s grace from us in humility, repentance and forgiveness, becoming reconciled with proper understanding of how their actions hurt others. They also had to learn how to make things right, by taking proper actions of change toward us. There has never been any resistance of heart from them, only willingness to learn, grow, and change, allowing God to work.

It’s my belief (and my experience) that if a young adult will not receive heart-level parenting (true discipleship) then he will not receive from a spouse, and certainly not from God. He will continue to live an independent life until the Lord gets his attention another way. And when he does consistently receive, then he is proving to be secured in and established in a real relationship with God, and will continue to hold himself accountable to his human relationships as well.

A Heart-Level Plan

Kathryn and John both embraced that plan, and so when Aaron and Eireen came to stay with us the second time, and it became clear that more serious interests were beginning to form, our plan was set in motion rather instantly. God sent these two precious ones from two very different background experiences.

Aaron came to us from a life of broken relationships. Even though he was homeschooled, his religious upbringing had a legalistic foundation. His experience couldn’t have been more different from that of Kathryn and John’s. He had been struggling to find reality, and had never truly embraced the perverse thinking and false gospel that comes with legalistic training. I spent an initial 5-weeks during his first visit to us helping him come to know himself, get in touch with his own heart-level and relational responsibilities, become reconciled with God, and get established in right relating practices within our family, and then continued in this spiritual parenting role more sporadically for a few months more, before there was any open talk of a possible relationship with my daughter. Aaron had a deep desire to be parented, to be known, to be understood, and to be loved. He continues to hold himself accountable to all of his relationships, and he makes my daughter very happy. He is as much a son to us as our own children.

Eireen is from Poland, was public schooled, had a college degree, and was working on a second one. She was brought up in a Catholic home, but she was still lost, lonely, and hungry for true parenting. Her lifestyle couldn’t have been further from the lifestyle my children had known and loved. My daughter, Kathryn, began a relational discipling process by befriending her, speaking truth to her, praying for her, and sacrificially sowing into her life. When she came for her initial 3-month visit to us, she also received from me. This was all before there was any interest or talk of a relationship with my son, John. In fact, it was the final week of her visit when John approached us with his desire to develop a one-on-one friendship with her.

Jennifer patiently waited a bit longer, completely holding to the same plan nearly three years after her siblings’ weddings, and trusting God to bring it about for her. And now we also have Mark who is Jennifer’s intended. Mark has been a long time family friend and lived with our family for nearly half a year about eleven years ago. He has received heart-level parenting from Jim and me periodically ever since then. Mark has been a close friend with my children all these years.

In the second part of this story, I’ll tell you more of how we carried out our plan.

Blessings of God’s inspiration to you as you ponder these words for your own family.

~ Marilyn