Consistently Loving

In last week’s blog post by Christi, speaking of  how wrong she has been in the past to spank her children with anger, she expressed an old idea she had that I find is so common among parents, especially Christian homeschooling parents.  Even when she was angry with her children and knew she shouldn’t be, she still felt compelled to do SOMETHING about their disobedience. I’ve heard many moms express this idea adding, “I know I’m not as loving as I should be yet, but I still HAVE to do SOMETHING because THEY have disobeyed.” I’ve been thinking about where this almost universal idea comes from. Certainly it is from the consensus among parenting advice and counsel that as parents we MUST be consistent.

Consistent in what?

It is true, we must be consistent, and that means we must do SOMETHING when our children disobey. However, we need to take a look at what we’re actually supposed to be consistent with, and what that SOMETHING is. Far too many parents are consistently irritated and angry, and the SOMETHING they do is speak harshly, yell, or spank in their anger. Some are consistently annoyed or even offended that their children are thwarting their own self-determined agenda, and so the SOMETHING they do is become frustrated and bitter toward their children, bathing them in disapproval and withholding affection. Some are consistently afraid of the conflict that will occur if they attempt to confront their children, so the SOMETHING they do is try to ignore and appease disobedience until they just can’t take it anymore, so they suddenly and fiercely lash out.

Spanking your children in anger, irritation, and frustration is NEVER the right thing to do. When you do, you basically are demanding that they control themselves while you yourself are out of control. It will only serve to foster in them fear and a lack of trust in you, as they learn through your spirit to be all the more out of control. There is a time for the sting of a swat in order to get their attention, but it is far less necessary than most parents think. Helping your children to understand, remember, and feel loved as you lovingly correct (tell them what they are doing wrong) and instruct them (tell them what the right thing is) is way more powerful toward encouraging them to want to obey.

Consistent in LOVE!

We ARE supposed to be consistent, but we’re supposed to be consistently LOVING, which means that the SOMETHING we need to do is to meet our children’s ACTUAL NEEDS. This is what love does; it meets true needs. Too often parents fail to realize what their children actually need when they are being disobedient, and we default to thinking that what they need is some form of punishment, and far too often the parent can only think of inflicting physical pain or causing the child to suffer some sort of unrelated loss. There are many things that children need; punishment isn’t one of them.

They need our affection, attention to their soul, understanding, concern, compassion, instruction (telling them what is the right thing to do), correction (telling them what not to do), training (repetitive correction and instruction), and wisdom. They need us to help them understand the workings of their own hearts (their attitudes, intentions, and motivations) and to compassionately lead them to overcome their own fleshly tendencies to form Christlike character.

Sometimes they need connected consequences like being unable to go off and play away from mom because they cannot be trusted as I explained in my last blog post. They sometimes need a rest or a nap, and to be at home instead of over stimulated with peers and activity.

They definitely do not need our irritation, anger, swift and sudden commands, shaming lectures, wrong expectations and angry punishment including angrily delivered spankings – although we often think they need these things so we can temporarily push them into submission, which gives us our way because we are bigger than they are.

Sometimes what your child actually needs when he is being disobedient is for you to wrap your arms around him, cuddle up on the couch, and express your love and concern and talk things through until you both have understanding. But if in your mind you think, “But that’s a reward!”, it may be because you believe that what children truly need most of all is punishment. If our children are hungry, we feed them, because food is what they need. We don’t think, “Don’t feed them because it will only reward their hunger, and we don’t want them to think that hunger is good.” And yet we think that if we give our children the love, compassion, understanding, and attention they actually need when they are being disobedient, somehow it will cause them to believe that disobedience is good.?? This is wrong thinking.

Love meets actual NEEDS.

The challenge to parent in love and help our children overcome their selfish desire to be in control, which can lead them to disobey, is a challenge to be CONSISTENT in LOVE, and to know what the SOMETHING is according to what each child actually needs at that time. In order to know what the SOMETHING is, you will need to rely on the Holy Spirit and get particular wisdom from Him for what to do.

The idea that consistency means we must win every conflict by doing SOMETHING, even if that something is an angry or violent outburst is simply wrong. Your yelling, frustration, irritation, anger and those spankings coming from being personally offended by your children are destroying your relationship with your children and hurting their hearts, and it truly would be better for you to do nothing, than to continue to consistently do that.

Even if you deliver spankings without anger, as I always did before I knew the love of the Lord, a spanking is more than likely NOT what they truly need. (Christi in her post very accurately explained when a swat may be needed in order to get their attention).

Often the Lord leads us to stop doing something before we can know what we’re supposed to do instead. So outwardly you may need a short season of doing nothing like what you usually do about your children’s disobedience, while you inwardly cry out to the Lord to know what your children actually need, and surrender willingly to sacrifice your time, your agenda, and your man-made ideas of punishment to meet your child’s true need. The SOMETHING that you need to do most of all is repent of your hurtful ways, and learn from the Lord what your children NEED so you can be consistently LOVING.

~ Barbie Poling