Cleaning the Kitchen in Love

[from the archives]

Up until three or so years ago, I had all my kids cleaning the kitchen together after meals. I used to have all the kitchen cleaning tasks written out on 3×5 cards. I had neon yellow cards for the easy tasks like taking out the trash, wiping the table, clearing the table, emptying the top of the dishwasher, emptying the bottom of the dishwasher, etc…. and then I had neon green cards for the more difficult tasks that took a little more skill and judgment such as putting the food away, washing the pots, and loading the dishwasher. I had one card for each of these tasks.

I would hold out the cards upside down and let the kids choose them. Two easy ones for each, plus one harder one for the oldest three kids. This worked alright in theory, but I found that the kids began to do as little as possible in order to say they did what their card said or they wouldn’t even do it because someone else hadn’t done “what needed to be done first”. If there was a cup on the counter, the counter wiper wouldn’t wipe the counter, and if the pot washer put a clean pot on the counter, then it “couldn’t” be wiped either.

I didn’t like the attitudes my children had toward each other, and I didn’t like how they used the assignments in the self-righteousness and legalism of doing only what the card said to do. The Holy Spirit began to speak to me and give me vision for what a loving team would do. In love, they would all function joyfully together, each willingly doing whatever needed to be done until it was all done.

I got rid of the cards. I talked with the kids about love and about teamwork and about their attitudes. I made a list of all that needed to be done, and put it on the fridge. I cleaned the kitchen with them, showing them how to find things that needed to be done, and gently taking anyone who wasn’t doing anything to the list to show them how to read it and find something more to do. I observed the way they treated each other in their work.

Both my sons had a tendency to not communicate, but expect others to read their minds, leading to frustration and irritation that others didn’t get out of the way or cooperate with their uncommunicated plan. The younger ones had a tendency to wander off without pressing in to find something to do and when called back by another, they would resist and ignore.  The others would be unkind and demanding to try and get everyone back to “do their share”. The older ones sometimes decided they’d done enough, and would leave the rest undone. This in turn would make the younger ones leave it undone as well.

I worked with the boys to communicate fully and lovingly, and showed them how their lack of communication caused their perceived offenses. I worked with the older ones to draw the younger ones into the teamwork with love and gentleness, guiding and correcting them in their work with encouragement and grace for their immaturity of skill. I worked with the younger ones to willingly receive the correction and instruction of their older siblings. I worked with all of them to remain at the task until it was all done and to quickly and willingly respond when reminded to come back by another.

It’s been a long process with lots of discussions. The three older kids have fully embraced, for the most part, willingly doing what needs to be done with joyful loving attitudes. Lizzy and Josiah are still working through the issues of being a team to clean the kitchen.

Because of different schedule issues, Lizzy and Josiah now alone clean the kitchen after breakfast together. They’re out there right now as I write this laughing and singing while they clean. Their attitudes and the quality of their work is steadily improving, and it’s a joy to see their growth and change.

The ability to clean a kitchen is just one of the skills needed for life. We view all of our activities as opportunities to build skill, not only for a successful existence with the task itself, but for successful loving relationships at the heart level as well.

Marilyn Howshall’s ebook Develop a Lifestyle Routine gives encouragement toward bringing your children up into your real life so that they can learn real life things.

[originally posted August 2010]