Changing Attitude

[from the archives]

The living room was filled with loud music, laughter, and energetic discussions. Lizzy, Annie and their friend were making up a dance, piece by piece with Rachel’s input and advice. Outside it was hot and the boys were having an aggressive water battle with the brothers that had come with our dancing friend. Soon all went quiet in the house, even though the sound of the splashing and shouting was still floating through the open windows.

I came out into the living room/aka dance studio and saw Rachel sitting at the piano transposing some music. “How was dancing?” I asked.

Her face told me it wasn’t as good as it could be. “Lizzy was having a bad attitude. She was complaining about being hungry and hot, and so when we tried to help her dance better, she only gave excuses about why she couldn’t do it instead of trying again. I know she is hungry and it is hot, but the other girls are hungry and hot too.” Rachel’s recounting of this event was matter of fact. She was not offended, but knew that I would want to know what was happening. She had already done her best to gently and truthfully show Lizzy that her attitude was causing difficulties in their dance creation, but Lizzy wasn’t responding rightly.

I called Lizzy to come in and began to talk with her beside Rachel. She had already begun to self-examine because her conscience is active. She began to focus on it at the sound of my voice. We talked about how being hungry and hot is never a reason to treat others badly and how her excuse-making had made the other girls wait and how she had made Rachel repeat herself over and over trying to encourage her to try again. We talked about how her attitude revealed that she was only thinking of herself and how ungrateful it was to resist Rachel’s instruction both about dancing and about her attitude.

Lizzy said, “I knew I had a bad attitude, but I just didn’t know how to change it.”

Rachel interjected objectively explaining, “A good attitude would have allowed you to keep trying the dance step until you got it, but instead you wouldn’t try again, you only talked about why you couldn’t do it.”

I instructed her to show me the dance step. Her willingness to get up and show me revealed that she was cooperating with me to change her attitude, and I told her so. She did the dance step and Rachel exclaimed it was the best she had ever done! Then Rachel gave her a brief instruction, and she tried again doing even better. Lizzy smiled with accomplishment, all of us clearly seeing that her attitude had changed. I said, “I think you need to talk to Rachel.”

She began to tell Rachel she was sorry, confessing the specific things she had done and then she told Rachel she was grateful for her instruction. Rachel pulled her into a hug expressing her forgiveness as Lizzy teared up. As she left to go back outside I reminded her that she needed to make it right with the other girls. She glanced back and gave me an agreeing look that she already had intended to do so.

Lizzy and Rachel’s responses to these happenings are the results of many many discussions about the way we relate with each other. They both knew how to be reconciled and what needed to be said because of lots of previous instruction from me. This is instruction at the heart level, taking the time to address the way they are relating with each other and teaching them how to love.

Lifestyle of Learning™ resources encourage parents toward right relating with their children, so that they can help their children grow in Christlike Character. Marilyn Howshall’s book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith, particularly addresses the need for and the way to heart-level reconciliation in our relationships.

– written with Lizzy and Rachel’s permission.

[originally posted 7/23/10]