Be Concerned about Character

Question:  I’m really struggling with my boys and how they’ve gotten very interested in sports. I have some fear about it because I know some big sports fans that neglect many things in life to sit and watch games. My boys enjoy playing and “acting out” games, which causes conflict because when the weather is too bad to be outside they want to “play” inside which makes a lot of banging for the renter downstairs. They have learned to research lots of things through investigating teams and such so I know they have learned skills through it, but I find it hard for me to evaluate by the 7 vital signs of learning. They seem to be so exclusively interested in sports that they don’t care for anything else and don’t care to go out of their way to be with their other siblings who don’t care so much for sports. I think it’s out of balance but I have conflict on how to achieve the right balance. It’s just hard for them to find things to do in the wintertime.     ~ Concerned About Sports

Be Concerned about Character

We need never fear what the Lord has put in our children to be interested in. Fear is believing and actually trusting that bad things are going to happen. Instead we need to put all our hope and trust and belief in the Lord and seek after His will and His ways for our family. When we habitually obey the leading of the Holy Spirit, He will lead us toward sowing the seeds in our family that will produce the good fruit we hope for.

There are several concerning behaviors listed in the above question: neglect of duty toward responsibility, lack of concern toward the neighbor downstairs, lack of interest in siblings’ interests, and boredom during bad weather.  None of these relational behaviors are actually caused by sports or any other interest.  They are all relational habits that come from the attitudes, intentions and motivations of the heart and make up a person’s character—their relational habits.

We need to encourage our children’s interest so that they can become who God made them to be as they grow in skill toward the abilities that He placed in them and learn how to learn through their pursuit of those interests, but we are NEVER to neglect their character in doing so.  Our most important job as parents is to cooperate with God’s ways of love in the formation of our children’s character. All of our children’s interests can be twisted toward unloving relating habits. It’s not the fault of the interest, but the sinful nature of their hearts that bring forth these unloving behaviors.

We need to train our children to love above all else.

“Whereas the object and purpose of our instruction and charge is love, which springs from a pure heart and a good (clear) conscience and sincere (unfeigned) faith.” 
—1 Tim 1:5

All self-centered attitudes, intentions and motivations are unloving. Someone who neglects the duties and disciplines of life has a self-serving attitude. Their habitual thought processes [attitudes] are focused on their own interests. Their motivation is toward pleasing their own appetite while ignoring those things that are essential for life to function.  The activities of this neglect will lead to broken relationships that hurt others for the sake of self-pleasure. It is completely unloving at the heart level. It’s not a desire to watch sports games on TV that breaks relationships and hurts others, it’s a lack of God’s kind of love.

A lack of concern for the neighbors is also completely unloving at the heart level.  It reveals an “it’s all about me and my thing” attitude and motivation. While this sort of thoughtlessness is normal for young children, it is our job as parents to bring them toward loving concern for others. They will need to sacrifice what they would like to do for the sake of others—this is love. Teaching and training them to be thoughtful requires repeated correction [telling them what is wrong] and repeated instruction [telling them what is right]. As we correct and instruct, we’re raising a standard of loving behavior, and we can point our children toward their own conscience, encouraging them to govern themselves—to do what is right and loving, obeying their conscience, without being told from the outside.

Love is more than refraining from unloving activity.

“And this I pray: that your love may abound yet more and more and extend to its fullest development in knowledge and all keen insight [that your love may display itself in greater depth of acquaintance and more comprehensive discernment], So that you may surely learn to sense what is vital, and approve and prize what is excellent and of real value [recognizing the highest and the best, and distinguishing the moral differences]….” —Philippians 1:9-10

Love moves us toward blessing others and meeting their needs. Loving behaviors include deep interest in others and coming to know them “in the fullest development of knowledge” and increasing in “all keen insight” becoming more deeply acquainted with the people in our lives. The best place for our children to learn how to love this way is in our family. In order for our children to truly love their siblings, we need to train them how to see beyond their own interests and engage their siblings with sincere heart level interest. This kind of love and the behavior it inspires does not come naturally to children, they must be trained toward it.

Boredom reveals a heart that is ungrateful toward the Lord by neglecting the interests and people He’s placed in our lives and wasting the time He’s provided for us to grow in skill and love. This ingratitude will likely be seen in all of a child’s relating practices. They will have a measure of demanding to be served, and indulged, and to have their own way in many of their interactions with the family. This attitude and motivation is not caused by a lack of things to do, but by self-seeking at the heart level.  When we are diligent to press into the Lord for what he wants us to be doing, we will NEVER be bored! Even young children can be taught to listen to their conscience not only for what they should not do, but for what they should do as well. The Holy Spirit through our conscience convicts us of both sin [unloving behavior] AND righteousness [loving behavior]. (John 16:8)

Of course in order to train our children how to stop being unloving, and how to be loving, we’ll need to learn how to do these things ourselves so that we can point toward our own behavior as we gently and repeatedly correct and instruct them. We should never fear our children’s interests, but instead fear the Lord!

~ Barbie

Marilyn Howshall’s ebook Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith along with it’s companion ebook Love’s Actions, gives practical direction for learning how to love, and leading your children toward loving Christlike Character.

See a related post “Giving by Being Interested“