A Natural Motivator

It seems of late, there are many Christian Homeschoolers who are embracing an extreme black and white idea about whether or not spanking children is God’s will. I don’t have a need to get caught up in a debate about what is God’s will in this issue or any other issue. I don’t claim that what follows is a deeply studied position needing copious scriptures to back it up. The following is what I have seen is plainly evident in the reality of lovingly parenting our children. I find that many people unknowingly carry assumptions about what must motivate all parents who deliver a spanking to their child which in turn causes them to make wrong assumptions about what I am saying. I hope that as you read, you will read what is written without adding assumptions to it that give rise to heated debating about things I have not said.

I was once asked this question, “If spanking were not part of our culture, would we even think of doing it?” After talking at length with my family, with Marilyn Howshall, and with my friend Christi who wrote the L.O.L. blog post on not spanking in anger, I had quite a few thoughts about it.

I think that the answer is yes, human beings would think of using pain to modify behavior. It is natural, and all around us in the plant world and the animal world. It’s a natural response to being attacked or to the need to defend. Animal mammas use physical pain to keep their young in line and protect them as well. Plants have thorns and stinging and poison capabilities to modify the behavior of those around them. So, yes, I think it comes naturally, and every culture in history has come to the use of physical pain as a behavior modification method, naturally.

It is a natural truth that physical pain or discomfort modifies behavior. However, we are supposed to become spiritual (purely loving) and not remain in our natural state of being independent, controlling and self-seeking. I’ve been thinking about the natural state of our children when they are born. They naturally have no regard for our sleep, for pooing and peeing and spitting up where ever they happen to be without regard for what is getting messed up. They have no control over their natural functions or their limbs or bodies whatsoever. As they grow, they begin to gain control over all those functions, and about the time they begin to crawl and walk, they also begin to exert their natural state—their self-will with their new found skill of being able to control what they do with their hands, where they go, and when they go there.

We as parents govern over all these natural happenings with outward control. We put on diapers, clean up spit up, bathe them, strap them in car seats and high chairs, put them in playpens, and put up baby gates. We outwardly control every part of their natural lives. We do all these naturally controlling things to keep them safe and cared for until they are old enough to govern themselves. The process of growth is a process of becoming self-governed over all these natural things, including over self-will, independence, and the desire to control others.

The Bible doesn’t say anything specific about all of these natural outward things we do as parents. There aren’t passages about what sort of diaper to use, or how to fasten car seats, or how often to bathe them, or when it is appropriate to restrain them with contraptions, gates and containers, yet we do ALL these things because we love them. Just because the Bible does not say, “You shall strap your child in a car seat while you are driving,” does not mean that if you do strap your child in, you are outside of God’s will. We make all sorts of reasonable natural decisions for our children hopefully out of love and what is best for them without having a Bible verse to tell us to do it.

Because this is all natural, it is also natural to bring the sting of physical discomfort to our children in order to motivate them to do the right thing toward the surrender of their natural self-will, independence, and controlling behaviors. It is as natural as feeding them, and controlling and restraining them for the sake of what is best for them.

There are many contributing factors to situations where a child “seems” to be in disobedience, but it doesn’t mean they are. The parent’s relational habits and communication can be among these reasons, as well as the child’s tiredness, overexcitement, food allergies, confusion, immaturity etc…. That’s why it is so important for a mom to deeply KNOW her child, and have understanding for what is contributing to their behavior, so she doesn’t react harshly to her child’s inability to hear her voice or obey her command. The burden of responsibility is on mom to make sure that she is consistently above reproach and thoroughly loving in the way she is relating with them.

However, there are times when young children understand exactly what Mom is currently telling them to do such as “come here” “sit down” or “don’t touch” and they are physically and mentally capable of complying, but they just want to experiment with what will happen if they exert their self-will and refuse to comply. At that point, it is loving to let them know with many words that they need to obey Mommy, and that refusal to obey is not acceptable and is not pleasant. As human beings, since we learn from our experiences, it is loving to provide an experience that trains our children’s will toward obedience to Mommy’s words with a physical sting to get their cooperation toward current compliance.

If we won’t use physical discomfort to motivate our children toward basic obedience for their own good after plenty of warning and urging to comply, we only have a few other choices for dealing with this natural testing of defiance. A young mom came to me recently distraught over what her 2 year old son was doing and her inability to stop it. When he did not get what he wanted from her, he would commence clenching his teeth, making a sort of growling noise, and hitting himself in the face, head and chest. She had tried to stop him by taking hold of his hands, but that resulted in him becoming more aggressive in it, and launching into screams while beginning to wildly kick at her, often hurting her and destroying things that got in the way, resulting in hurting himself as well with his flailing and kicking and bonking into things.

She only has a few choices. She could completely ignore it – resulting in him hurting himself. She could continue to try to restrain him physically – but he was getting too big for her to effectively do so. Or she could just give him what he wanted, or something similar that he would like in order to bribe and manipulate him to stop, which she had tried, but often what he wanted wasn’t even possible. Or she could let him know that she will give him a physical sting unless he stops his inappropriate behavior, and motivate him to choose with his will to stop himself.

I agree that the Bible doesn’t say, “you must spank your children,” as some Christians have taught in the past, but it does say we must love them, and teach them how to love. Teaching them how to love requires that we bring them to give up self-centered controlling ways. This little boy’s ways were self-seeking and controlling, and if this mom ignores it, she will not be loving him. If she gives in to him, she will provide experiences which let him know that he can manipulate and control, and in the process, she will be manipulating him with bribery, appealing to the appetites of his self-will and this is also unloving. She can no longer physically restrain him, so that was not an option.

I gave this mom a small flexible switch. I swatted my own leg with it to show her that it needed very little force to sting, and I showed her that it’s the tip that delivers the sting. I had her swat her own leg, and she was amazed at how little force is necessary for it to sting. It can easily be used in a very controlled and deliberate manner, there is absolutely no need for wild and violent flailing or aggression on the part of the parent since such a small swat delivers a sufficiently motivating sting.

I instructed her, next time her son began his fit, to calmly tell him “be still” and to attempt to hold his hands still so that he understands exactly what she is telling him to do, and if he didn’t stop, let him know you will swat him, and calmly say, “Be still,” again, then if he continues, swat his thigh, and calmly tell him “be still” again.

She reported to me that she only had to do this for the next 3 fits, and he’s never done that again after months of her daily distressing about it and trying to stop his frequent fits by restraining him and pleading with him to stop hurting himself. On top of that, he began to show that he could hear her clearly when she said, “no” to other things in his life, and he rapidly brought himself to basic compliance to her words. It was because of her willingness to confront his natural behavior with a natural behavior modifier. Now he has the opportunity to become spiritual, because he will listen to his Mommy’s words. They both will be able to leave these natural processes behind as she leads him with her words toward becoming spiritual – choosing to be loving and self-sacrificing. But if he insists on reverting to his natural state of defiant self-will, she will also return to a natural method of modifying that behavior toward basic self-control, and reaffirm to him that he needs to listen to Mommy’s words.

This outward natural and physical motivation used for current compliance trains children to choose to listen to Mommy’s words. When they listen to and are influenced by Mommy’s words toward being trained in the attitudes, intentions and motivations of their hearts, the natural outward motivating sting, like the law, can be left far behind, just as this passage indicates.

Galatians 3:23-24 “Now before the faith came, we were perpetually guarded under the Law, kept in custody in preparation for the faith that was destined to be revealed (unveiled, disclosed), So that the Law served [to us Jews] as our trainer [our guardian, our guide to Christ, to lead us] until Christ [came], that we might be justified (declared righteous, put in right standing with God) by and through faith.”

Please notice that I am NOT talking about using spanking as punishment or as some sort of payment for sin. I am not talking about getting back at a child for what they did or about using spanking as the answer for every undesirable behavior. I am talking about motivating a currently defiant child toward complying with Mommy’s current, direct and understood words with a physical sting which stops as soon as the child decides to comply.  Here is the first of a 3-blog series describing more about what to do with disobedient children.

Unfortunately too many parents don’t know their children well enough to know the difference between childish immaturity, confusion, ignorance, distraction, tiredness, and defiant self-will, and in the parent’s natural desire to control their children and their environment, they deliver physical pain along with emotional punishment, harshness and shame to deal with it all, keeping themselves and their children in their natural state of self-will and the desire to control others.

Dominating those that are smaller than you with fear of physical punishments, and controlling them according to wrong expectations and parental selfishness including physical pain is natural and that is why this unloving behavior is so common. However, it is not spiritual or loving. A parent who inflicts physical pain in this way with wrong motivation has not allowed the Lord  to train them away from their natural state of self-will and the desire to control others. Even if such a parent never uses spanking to control her children but instead uses manipulation, emotional punishment, anger, shaming and harsh words, the child’s soul will suffer much harm.

There are many who are not really able to imagine the controlled sting of a small and flexible switch being delivered for current motivation without all the unloving controlling attitudes and motivations within the parent that go with authoritarian legalism or out of control license. It is these attitudes and motivations that develop fear and resistance in the heart of children. The backlash against these common wrong relational behaviors is causing many to swing to the other extreme, legalistically saying that spanking is always wrong, unloving, and sinful.

I hope that you will allow the Lord to set you free from both these extreme legalistic positions so that you can be free to wisely parent your children with overflowing Holy Spirit-led love and grace.

~ Barbie