Part 1 ~
My testimony of God’s reconciliation process in my life will bring some quizzical concerns forward from those who are still embracing, like I was, the kind of legalistic thinking that teaches that a wife cannot address her husband’s sinful behavior habits and patterns. Before our reconciliation my husband was overly harsh with my children, especially my oldest son. The anger and harshness didn’t take the form of loud arguments or physical violence, but my husband harshly spoke to him like he was stupid, and my son felt more and more like he could never do anything right. Although they lived with outward signs of getting along, they were not close. My husband had destroyed his relationship with our son as well as with our oldest daughter. With my husband’s full agreement and encouragement I will share my testimony of what changed this dysfunction in our family—It was me; I changed.
My husband’s sinful harsh treatment and derision wasn’t limited to the children. He treated me that way as well. I used to rush around trying to make things just right and trying to keep him from getting mad at me or at the kids. I tried to figure out just how to word things and just when to say them so that he wouldn’t get mad. I learned what sorts of things made him mad and tried to manipulate circumstances so that he wouldn’t treat me like I was stupid. I was never successful. He was usually mad anyway and when he was mad he punished me by avoiding touching me and avoiding talking with me for a while. I would rack my brain trying to think of how I could apologize for something so that his anger would be over, so my punishment would be over. I wanted his approval and affection back.
3 ½ years ago when my conscience became alive to me (through a miraculous work of reconciliation God had accomplished with my mom who was in an advanced stage of Alzheimer’s disease), I was convicted by the Holy Spirit through my conscience that my behavior toward my husband was wrong. I had been thinking up until then that I was being a submitted wife by helping him to not be angry, but in actuality I was afraid of losing his approval of me, so I attempted to control him and make him stop being mad at me. I was actually contributing to his bondage to sin. I was using him for my own self-centered gain.
I began to repent and obey the Lord. I stopped trying to fix things and instead I calmly told my husband that he was wrong to treat the kids and me the way he was. I let him know that all his anger was coming from inside of him and there was no one causing it but him. I refused to apologize for the things he accused me of, knowing that his accusations were wrong and without understanding. He got more angry; he emotionally punished me more and I prayed for him to be free from his anger.
Once I stopped cooperating with his sin, it became obvious that he was the only one sinning in the situations that would come up. Once I got his attention he began to listen to me telling him the truth about his sin. I began to point it out more and more. When he would treat me like I was stupid, I would say so and let him know he was wrong and unloving to do so. I stopped being controlled by him and instead became controlled by the Holy Spirit speaking through my conscience. I stopped using him to get my good feelings of approval. I stopped fearing him and manipulating him. I let him be angry, but I told him he was wrong and I told the kids he was wrong.
My obedience to the Lord resulted in my husband coming to see how much he loved himself more than the kids and me. He began to repent and be broken. He stopped being arrogant and started serving our family instead. He repented to the children and began purposefully rebuilding his relationship with them. He learned how to listen and understand. He learned how to love for real. We call him our new Daddy and it is the biggest blessing of our lives.
I thought that I was giving my husband grace by overlooking his sin and even taking the blame for it, but I have since learned that grace is never about letting some one get away with something. Marilyn uses the expression “unsanctified grace” for what I was doing. I let him treat us badly; I cooperated with him in it. To have true grace means to understand; it is to understand why someone is behaving a certain way, and what needs to happen in order for them to make progress toward maturity. I began to have true grace for my husband as I told him what his next steps should be—he should stop sinning against us and start getting serious about right relating in love.
I’ve known many wives who mistakenly believe they must back their husband up while he sins against the children. If He is overly harsh or lashes out at them they think that coming against his behavior will undermine their children’s respect for their father, but in actuality they are teaching their children that daddy’s sinful ways are the child’s fault, and expect the children to be more mature than their dad by being respectful, and some day forgiving him. We as parents can train our children to comply with respectful behavior on the outside, but we cannot actually produce respect from their hearts while we sin against them. They cannot actually be expected to be respectful in their hearts as long as their own parents are sinning against them. Adults are supposed to be more mature than children. They are supposed to act in grace, love, and understanding no matter how the child behaves.
Wives whose husbands are sinning against their children need to take sides. They need to side with love. The wife needs to back up love for the children and take a stand against the sin. Jesus had some strong words for adults who lead children to sin, He said that it would be better for the adult to be drowned.
As I obeyed the Lord and abandoned my legalistic thinking that supported the error of false doctrines of submission, I became free of my fear of conflict and rejection that had rendered me useless for God’s ministry of reconciliation that he has given to each of us, and my husband was enabled by my self-sacrificial love to let go of his sin and be free, forever changing our family.
I pray for Holy Spirit enlightenment as you contemplate this testimony.
Barbie Poling
[updated 11/22/09]
Thanks for Sharing Barbie. This explains A LOT of what my siblings and I experienced growing up, unfortunately my sweet mom never figured out how to deal with my father’s selfishness and we are seeing bitter fruit from it in my adult siblings and their children. I am in a much better situation than my mom was in her relationship with my father, yet I find that I operate in the flesh when I need to be a grace filled truth teller for my dear husband. What I have also been realizing through your writing is that I don’t have a “truth teller” in my life and the idea of that sounds wonderful and scary all at the same time. Thank you to both you and Marilyn for all you are doing.
Nancy,
I experienced many many times where the Holy Spirit through my conscience was my truth-teller. Marilyn got me started listening to my conscience, and pointing me toward what the Lord was actually wanting to do in me. As I was careful to obey everything I felt in my conscience, it became louder to me and I heard so many of the steps of obedience I needed to take directly from the Holy Spirit through my conscience. Through obedience I came to recognize the Holy Spirit’s truth-telling at work in me.
This humbled me for two reasons. One, my own sin of anger, lashing out, blaming, and shaming. I haven’t listened to the counsel of others. Second, my sin of seeking affection from my family instead of standing up for them. I see it in my husband and me; but I also see it in my children towards one another. A sort of bullying–making each other feel stupid. I’ve called them out on it but I haven’t set into place (LOVINGLY) a good discipline to keep it from happening until they are self-governed.
I struggle with asking them to do something I’m not doing. I fear approaching them until God has worked the anger out of me. But perhaps I shouldn’t wait. I’ll be seeking God on this.