Part 2 ~
Once we were free from the legalism that was destroying our relationships, I began to ponder how it was that I came to believe these patriarchal teachings that are so prevalent in the homeschool community. I did firmly believe them and even taught them to others. I thought that perhaps I had been deceived by the books I read or the people I associated with who whole-heartedly agreed with this error. But now I understand that in actuality I was attracted to these teachings because of the desire of my own flesh.
It was very convenient for me to believe that I shouldn’t confront my husband’s sin because in self-centeredness I was afraid of conflict. I have always been extremely motivated in self-protection to keep people around me in a state of appearing to be peaceful, no matter what the cost. I experienced being controlled by the anger of people around me when I was a child and that was a comfortable arrangement for me. I certainly didn’t like being treated as though I was stupid, and I didn’t like being emotionally punished, but the alternative for me was even worse—confronting sin. I believed that if I confronted sin in anyone, they wouldn’t like me. So it was attractive to my self-serving flesh for me to believe that I not only didn’t need to confront my husband’s sin, I wasn’t supposed to. It made my flesh seem righteous to believe that I was obeying God by letting God deal with my husband while I concentrated on being submissive.
These patriarchal teachings were also attractive to my husband. He was comfortable being controlling and walking in the arrogance of believing that just being a husband lifted him to a special position where any mention of his sin from me was viewed as nagging. His flesh was very “blessed” by his ability to blame his anger on my failures as a wife. As we were bound in our flesh, we whole-heartedly embraced the false teaching that a wife cannot be more spiritual than her husband, that a wife cannot address her husband’s sin, and that a submitted wife must resignedly wait for God to “miraculously” deal with the bad behavior of the husband.
In reality I had to die to my flesh in order to confront my husband’s sin. I had to overcome my fear of conflict, and I had to trust the Lord that he would take care of me, knowing that my husband could get so mad that he might leave us. As I told my husband the truth about his sin, I had to walk in true grace, forgiveness and compassion for the first time, knowing that the emotional punishment he inflicted on me was completely undeserved and was a result of his own bondage, and I would not manipulate him out of it for my own comfort, but continue to confront him.
Now that my husband is free as a result of my obedience to the Holy Spirit’s personal instruction to me, he often melts into grateful tears as he contemplates or speaks of how I laid down my flesh in order to help him become free. And he is totally free, not just struggling with his anger, trying to mask or control it. The anger, arrogance, accusation, blaming and fault-finding are totally gone from him.
I cannot go into explanations of the actual Greek meanings of words translated in a few Scriptures such as submission and headship, and what Paul was actually addressing in those epistles, but I can recommend some good books that thoroughly discuss these words and Scriptures, and how they have been twisted to support error.
- “10 Lies the Church Tells Women”—J. Lee Grady
- “What Paul Really Said About Women”—John Temple Bristow
- “Why Not Women”—Loren Cunningham
- “From Bondage to Blessing”—Dee Alei
We are no longer deceived into believing that a person can treat his family badly, and still claim to love them and love the Lord. Many marriages have fallen far short of God’s best for them, and many have fallen apart as a result of this ONE BIG LIE. My husband freely confesses that his anger was because he loved himself and his image more than me, more than the children, and more than the Lord. God chooses to use available people to reveal His love and truth to other people. I spoke the truth to my husband, and because of Jesus’ love at work in me, and because I put to death my flesh, my husband and my family are radically changed. These are the works of His hands. This is the fruit of His ways. Blessings as you contemplate this testimony.
A note from Marilyn Howshall—To read Barbie’s testimony of her mom’s reconciliation while in an advanced stage of Alzheimer’s disease, see “Remembering Ellen” a 15 page book with three 1 hour accompanying audios. She and I have a request of you though. Since the purpose of sharing her testimony is to touch people’s hearts to want to understand more about reconciliation for their own lives, our ministry—Lifestyle of Learning™—provides a Facebook discussion group—H.E.M.—Home Educated Mom that we ask you to become a member of so you can read in on the discussion topics about reconciliation.
We both ask you to become our “friends” on our personal Facebook pages as well. On mine you will be able to view my family’s photo albums in the “photos” tab. If you like what you see, will you also go to the organization Facebook page and become a fan. Thank you for your interest in the work of Lifestyle of Learning™.