Equally Yoked ~ Is It Possible for Our Children? – part 2

Our Future In-Loves Wanted to Be Parented 

(This is a continuation from my previous blog post)

In all three of our cases, our future in-loves were drawn by the Lord to be parented by us. They wanted to be parented, and we were willing and able to step up to that responsibility, which we also considered an honor. They felt they belonged with our family, because they each had a relationship with all of us. When they had to go home (Poland, Texas, Michigan), it felt to all of us like part of us was missing. All three leavings were to return to their own families before there was any natural indication they would one day be part of ours.

Although, let me say that from a mother’s heart, the Spirit did ever-so-quietly speak, but that was for my own counsel to keep, and not for natural ears, not even for my children’s. I wanted them to discover and receive God’s will in their own hearts without human influence, until it was time for such. My children were accustomed to sharing their hearts with us, and since we were in unity, we could trust this process.

I was used to gently handling all such situations in cooperation with God, instead of trying to “make something happen.” I knew that if it was His will, all of us would be able to discern what the Spirit was doing, and it would become apparent that we had a role to play in cooperation with Him. God is so good to provide such whispers to our hearts.

Each of my children’s desire for their future spouse to receive heart-level parenting from their dad and me was so they would be mutually submitted in a marriage relationship made as one in Christ. They also wanted their future spouses to be as dear to our family as each of them were. This necessitated the parenting process or it really couldn’t have happened. This process worked beautifully and continues to work as all of our hearts are fully locked together in Christ’s love.

Aaron is one of our own precious sons, and likewise Eireen is one of our own sweet daughters, and she and I develop our own special relationship and together time just like I have with Kathryn and Jennifer. The boys also do things with dad when opportunity opens the way.

We’ve taken great delight in getting to know our in-loves, and recognize it as a true gift from God that we had that precious opportunity. My children and in-loves’ hearts are still wide-open to ours, because ours are wide-open to them, and Jim and I are so grateful to have their friendship every day of our lives. We get to witness them grow their relationships, making them stronger for the past three years since they married in the Spring and Summer of 2008. We couldn’t be happier for how they continue to mature in their love, keeping Christ at the center.

Why Not Make Your Own Heart-Level Plan?

God has a way of letting you know who is right for your precious ones. Just let your children know they don’t need to be afraid of God’s gift of provision. If your children are whole, God isn’t going to bring you inappropriately unhealthy people for your children to marry. In our case, both Aaron and Eireen responded quickly to spiritual-relational growth, and became a perfect fit for our family. Our hearts became locked together very quickly. This didn’t happen with any of the other young adults who came our way or who were friends for periods of time.

God is interested in setting people into families, and even though they have relational dysfunctions, heart-level discipleship makes things right between people, and provides instruction for making a friendship a meaningful relationship that keeps Christ at the center. When your children meet someone they are attracted to in a relationship, encourage them to bring them home. This can prove if the other person’s intentions are honorable, and it proves the nature of the potential relationship as well. You will know if your heart is moved toward them in a parental role. I ministered to a lot of young adults over the years, but didn’t have the same degree of parental instinct or heart-level desire toward them that I did with Aaron, Eireen, and Mark. God knows who is a good fit for your family and will provide whisperings to your heart.

When Aaron and Eireen came back to live with us, their relationships with our children were carried out in front of us everyday, because we were living in the same home. By that time they were all becoming the best of friends and feeling very much a part of our family as well. It was therefore natural for the activity of the couples’ relationships—from beginning to end—to take place in our home. This activity included the private conversations each of them had with us to make certain they knew their own hearts before making open declarations to one another. The open “declaration of intent” to each other that would lead to an official engagement, and eventually culminate in marriage was also made in front of mom and dad. They went everywhere together as a group, but we also provided regular open alone times. Both couples decided to save their first kiss for their wedding day, and were thankfully successful! Thank You, Lord!

Some reading this might think these were humanly “arranged” marriages, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. The only “arranging” was done by the Lord himself. All the young people involved chose their own mates without our influence. We were quite able to confirm what we sensed was right for our children as we witnessed their friendships unfold, and so we confidently stepped in to cooperate with the Holy Spirit, to keep it holy, and to ensure the couples were well cared for in their new relationships.

Both Aaron and Eireen were still in need of some measure of relational training, and so some of this shifted to Kathryn and John, and we continued in a guidance role with the couples individually, making sure they were addressing heart-level relating patterns as they learned to blend their lives together in many practical areas and ways of doing things.

This was necessary because of the “in-love” factor. We all know that when a couple is in love, they view their beloved through rose-tinted glasses, and they don’t necessarily want to address or even see what isn’t lovely.

We made sure they were aware of potential problems they might have in the future if they didn’t address certain relating patterns now. They did surprisingly well even without our input, exercising wonderful maturity, and desiring holiness as much as we did. Both couples developed a habit from the first day to pray together each night sealing what God was doing, and committing everything in their lives to Him.

Some might think we set out intentionally to do the “courtship” or “betrothal” route. We didn’t. We never knew what our family’s process would look like until it began to unfold. However, just months before God sent Eireen to us, we had begun to discuss it as a family. Kathryn and John were ready to begin the next season of their lives, and had begun to pray for the Lord to send His gifts. We allowed the Holy Spirit to lead, guide, and instruct us along the way.

Life’s circumstances dictated much of the practical aspects of our living arrangement as far as Aaron and Eireen having lived with us for so long. Actually, we’re all really grateful the Lord brought it about that way, because it made us a family before the couples left to begin their own. We really were mom and dad, and they were our happily growing family.

The official engagements were joyful open family affairs, and both couples lived with us up until the weddings when they moved into their own homes. In all, Aaron and Eireen lived with us as a vital part of our family for two years before the weddings. They came into the same Love that drew our hearts together from the first.

We had made the commitment to Jennifer to repeat a similar process with her future intended, since she really wanted the same holy and beautiful family experience for herself she had witnessed close up and had been so much a part of for her siblings.

Since Mark’s family lives nearby and our families are a part of each other’s lives, there is no need for Mark to actually live with us. He’s already relationally discipled at the heart-level and has a vital relationship with the Lord as well.

We are so blessed that he continues to be submitted to receive from his parents as well as from Jim and me. As to Mark and Jennifer, their mutual activities with family and in community provide plenty of opportunity for them to know each other, and now they are being included in each other’s family outings and special events as well.

Each of these couples have their own stories to tell about how God spoke to them individually, and how God prepared them to receive His gift. I can only provide a surface sketch for you here since these relationships were born in truth and love, and therefore are beautifully personal and holy.

A Word about Dating

On another note, my husband and I always knew our children would never choose to date, because they had deep, meaningful relationships within our family. People who value people, don’t want to try them on for size, using them wrongly toward their own ends. Dating can help people learn habits of separation when faced with challenges in relationships they don’t know how to deal with.

Our family had never read any of the books available on the topics of dating and courtship. And so, when the time came for our children, we really didn’t have a name to call their pre-engagement relationship, and we didn’t want to box them in to a formula from a book.

We all desired what is vital and life-giving from the Spirit. The couples themselves (since they weren’t dating and weren’t yet engaged) called it “courting” when they had the need to introduce their mate to people who didn’t know, but they assured them they “intended” to marry and were preparing for that.

As parents, our only intent was to make sure each one’s intended would receive parenting at the heart-level from both of us or they wouldn’t be joining our family. When they did, we became “mom and dad” and they became each other’s brothers and sisters and best friends, and still are today. However, they are much more than best friends. They watch out for each other’s practical as well as spiritual/relational needs and care very deeply for each other. They are fully submitted to God’s will as they mature in their open heart relationships.

We all patiently waited for God’s gifts of provision, and He was good to send.

My Ministry Today 

I continue to indirectly disciple other young families on a weekly basis through our local outreach program, and am invited to speak into some of their lives from time to time. I was taken by surprise when I realized that a few of them are the same ages as my own children (the age gap between me and the families I minister to keeps widening ; ). These wonderful young families have what the world would consider to be a measure of success and experience. But they have something more than that going for them. They are becoming self-educated as they have assumed responsibility for the education of their families. Yet, these precious families also have a measure of broken relationships.

The parents are sober in their desire to learn heart-level parenting of their children, but really didn’t understand what that meant when we first began our weekly meetings. They’ve been receiving instruction from us in how to submit to God’s heart-level parenting of themselves first. This idea sounds simple enough, but you’d be amazed at how many people really don’t understand what being parented by God at the heart-level really entails.

Most Christian marriage relationships are begun with little to no heart-level relational accountability, and so when the respective spouses begin a process of responding to the work God wants to do in their hearts, it tends to drag out a long time. For various, and uniquely personal reasons, they struggle to come into the reality Jesus wants for them, especially since the knowledge they have about Him can provide a false sense of knowing Him. What they really need is one-on-one heart-level parenting on a regular basis, and yet such a relationship is not even available to them.

Unless they willingly seek for that human accountability to secure their breakthroughs more quickly, God alone can provide the accountability for them through their conscience. This also sounds simple enough, but most people not only are not connected to their conscience with understanding at a relational level, but they also don’t usually choose such a humble path. When human accountability is absent, people tend to ignore the need to hold themselves accountable to their own conscience when it’s “just about” personal relational habits. 

This is a primary reason relational discipleship is so needed. If believer’s aren’t telling the truth to themselves, they are not telling the truth to God, and are unable to receive the correction and instruction they need from Him to live healthy lives. The foundational structure of discipleship is relational not informational, and yet many never receive such discipleship. They either perpetuate the lie they know Christ when they really only know about Him or frustrate their sincere efforts to live for Him for years to come.

You have the amazing opportunity as a parent to deepen your own relational practices with your family by allowing God to parent you at the heart-level. You don’t have to wait for your spouse, but just let God begin with you, and then as you parent your children as God parents you, God’s work will also overflow to your spouse. By the time your children are thinking about marriage, you will know how to help their future mates become parented by God too. My new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith, will help you find your way.

God gave our family a unique, individual path to follow, and He will give your family one too. If your children are single adults, you can help them hear your thoughts on this, and see if you can together come up with a plan to reach the hearts of the friends they come to care about. May God bless you with wisdom and God’s amazing sacrificial love for your own precious family.

~ Marilyn

“Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us, but to give everything of Himself to us. Love like that.” ~ Ephesians 5:2 The Message Bible