No Longer Resisting our Values

“My daughter wants to wear short skirts and lots of make-up to church.  I just don’t think it’s appropriate. Every time she’s getting ready for church, we end up having a discussion about the way she’s dressed.  I just don’t think the clothes she chooses are modest enough, and I don’t think she needs to be wearing lots of make up at her age. She gets so angry and defensive and often we both end up in tears. I’ve never dressed like that, and I’ve talked with her about how important it is to be modest. I’m afraid for what will happen when she gets older and resists us even more. Is this just normal teenage behavior?  She used to want to please us when she was younger, but now it seems like she’s pulling away.”                                                          ~ Losing her

No Longer Resisting our Values

When our children don’t want to do what we’ve taught them, and what we advise them to do that is good for them, then we are not being successful at transferring our values to them. Our children are not accepting and agreeing with the things we believe are right and wrong or good and bad.

All of us as parents have a system of values that we want to teach our children. As we’ve been raising our families, we’ve developed a sense of what we believe is right and what is wrong. Some of our values are solid and identifiable because we’ve thought them through or seen them as what we believe God wants for His people. These values we tend to consciously set out to communicate to our children or to steer our children toward adopting them. For instance, we’ve regularly reminded and communicated to our children that when they are interacting with other children, they need to be leaders toward right behavior, and not followers, just doing what everyone else is doing. We’ve talked to them purposefully and regularly about this value of ours.

Some of our values are more vague or even subconscious. They’re things that we hold as important, but we didn’t realize how important they are to us until they come up in the course of life. I remember once my dad getting me up at 2:00 in the morning to go with him on a two hour drive to meet up with Ted, a family friend who had car trouble on his way home from a trip.  We brought equipment to tow his disabled car back with us. On the way, I sleepily asked my dad, “Why are we doing this?”  My dad said, “Because I know Ted wouldn’t hesitate to do this for me.” My dad was letting me know of his value—what was right about treating his friend this way—even though he had never given me specific instruction in this sort of relating with friends, and I never heard him speak of anything like it at another time.

Sometimes our values come in the form of wise advice. Usually we see this happening as our children are grown or mostly grown, and they’re beginning to make their own decisions about life. We may have advice for them about the sort of job they’re choosing, or their living situation, or the romantic relationship they’re choosing, or the way they’re spending their money. The advice we give them reveals our values.

I remember when I started to see my oldest children reject some of our values. They were 13 and 14 at the time. In our home it was very subtle, and no one but me could tell it was happening at all. My children’s resistance to my instruction seemed to grow hardened and as a result, I felt like my efforts to convince them of what they ought to do needed to become more stern and strong. I felt like I was in a battle of wills and I was beginning to lose. I felt a bit helpless.

I remember seeing the same thing happening in the families around me; their children were hooking up with a non-Christian boyfriend or girlfriend, resisting their parents instruction with rolled eyes and dragging to obey, wanting life to be all about them, not caring how their demands effected the rest of the family, sneaking and hiding things, and even smoking.

I’m so blessed to have learned the principles in Marilyn Howshall’s new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.  I learned what I was doing to cause this breakdown in my relationship with my children, and how to change so that their hearts were turned toward mine and the Lord. I learned to embrace the biblical values I needed to transfer to my children, and as a result, we no longer have these sorts of undercurrents in our relationships, and I no longer feel the need to become increasingly harsh and stern. My house if full of teenagers now and this “normal” teenage behavior or resistance and independence is absolutely missing! Thank You Lord!

Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith is due to be released July 12^th, 2011.  Learn more about the book including excerpts from the first chapter at TransferMoralValues.com.