Are You Slipping through a Parenting Loop-Hole?

“I’ve been re-prioritizing my time to spend the bulk of it focusing on my kids, and securing their hearts. I’m seeing positive changes in the way we are now relating with one another. We’ve grown closer and their hearts are now tender toward me. But I still have a nagging concern about the teen years that are coming. I’ve often been rebuffed by those who say that a parent can only do the best they can with their kids, but that it is ultimately up to them whether or not they accept your values and influence when they’re older. Usually, this is said by people who have children way older than mine, and so I inwardly agree that of course they must know what they’re talking about. But I can’t help wondering if we’re all missing something…”                                    ~ Seeking Assurance

Widespread Unbiblical Attitudes that Create Parenting Loop-Holes

Parents who are experiencing brokenness in their family relationships and feel out of control of the unwise choices their children make, have to explain it to themselves in some form or fashion. And since bad or mixed fruit in Christian families is so common, it’s easy to assume we will all have to eventually accept it for our own family too. However, this widespread attitude, and others like it, is certainly a lie from the enemy. Let’s look at some of the other lies parents believe.

•  “Parents have no control over how their children turn out.”

Proverbs 22:6 tells us this is not so. “Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it.” TAB (I provide an examination of the word “train” in my book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.)

•  “Children have to challenge their parents values and beliefs eventually.”

There is a difference between arguing in resistance against a parent, and a genuine desire to understand a way of thinking. Resistance to parents points to the moral quality of the relationship that has a measure of brokenness and misunderstandings that need to be reconciled. (I provide a discussion and practical working definition of morality in my book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.)

•  “It’s not up to the parent to work in their children’s hearts. That’s the Holy Spirit’s job.”

Deuteronomy 6:1-7 tells us differently. In fact God gives us very specific instruction for how we are to work in our children’s hearts. (I devote an entire chapter to discussion of this passage in my new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.)

•  “Parents can do all the ‘right’ things and still be unsettled by their children’s unwise choices.”

Good parents do a lot of right things in the practical and natural while still neglecting the heart, which is the seat of conscience, the place character is formed, and the place of intimate relational bonds. To unlock heart-level dynamic between parent and child, the parent must first be willing to submit to being parented by God. (In my new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith, I explain the process in which God wants us to engage with Him that will empower us to parent for Him.)

•  “Children are supposed to ‘find their own way’ because it will ‘make them stronger.’”

Unlovingly releasing children to their own wisdom will not make them stronger only harder, and increasingly more confused as they adopt a mixture of ideas in their effort to figure out life. They are forced to form their own particular relational morality. We don’t understand the heart-level work required that provides children with their true identity in Christ, and true maturity in character. (I explain the difference between a general and particular morality in my new book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.)

Our society believes lies that are born in unlove, and when God’s people enter into agreement, a contradiction of conscience that is in a state of constant confusion would have to be a reality. When you live according to society’s ways and patterns while still expecting a godly outcome, you’re going to be sadly confused and disappointed. You will have to form some sort of “salvation” or “cover” plan as you continue to live on the precarious ledge of the unknown. Your newly-adopted belief system becomes a sort of false gospel, providing you with a measure of comfort.

Responsible Biblical Parenting Is Heart-Level Work

While, it’s still up to children to make decisions about serving the Lord, adopt their parents’ biblical values for themselves, grow their own faith in God, and so on, when we work with God, there are many, many things parents can do to sow true seeds of biblical values and faith to ensure the outcome of their parenting efforts. The price to form Christlike moral character places self-sacrifice at the core of our efforts, because the sowing we do is not informational, but relational at the heart-level.

Since this isn’t a pretty vision to embrace from the outset when the family’s moral culture is in need of work,  few are willing to embrace it. God can and will redeem what is lost when we cooperate with His ways of reconciliation. But if you are reading this, then I don’t believe you really want to be using God’s generous grace as a license to live and parent in your own ways.

Be encouraged that God doesn’t leave things to chance nor does He provide guidance for living, relating, and parenting just to pull a nasty surprise on us. The real problem is that we believe so many lies while failing to understand how He wants to work in our lives to bring about the fruit we hope for.

“Do not be deceived and deluded and misled; God will not allow Himself to be sneered at (scorned, disdained, or mocked by mere pretensions or professions, or by His precepts being set aside.) [He inevitably deludes himself who attempts to delude God.] For whatever a man sows, that and that only is what he will reap.”          ~ Galatians 6:7

A Practical Gospel that Changes Lives

We can believe the Gospel and it’s practical bearing on our lives. There are many specific biblical relational patterns that we can learn right now that when followed will reap the fruit of deep family bonds and children who mature the way we hope for them. We simply need to get on board with God, let Him work in our hearts first through His influence on our conscience, and then we’ll know how to reach the hearts of our children. Reaping the pleasant fruit of children who walk closely with the Lord and with their family will be ours depending on how we choose to sow as we live our lives—either for ourselves in selfishness and excuses or for Him in love and self-sacrifice.

You can receive God’s assurance when you are allowing Him to work in your own heart! As He’s done for me, He’ll certainly do for you as well. My book, Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith, is an in-depth look into God’s heart-level process for transferring biblical moral values to your children.

~ Marilyn