The Grudge Continues

[from the archives]

I’m continuing my story from my last blog post. The next morning which was a Saturday morning, the kids and I went out after breakfast and cleared the rest of the branches off the road. It took a very short time, and so we set about digging up the power lines and septic lines that would need to be moved for the re-route of the driveway.

The kids and I had lots of joy and fun relating with each other as we worked as a team, and I continued to do nothing to attempt to manipulate Tim out of his angry grudge. He continued to keep up the display of his displeasure toward me while finding things to do alone.

Around noon Marilyn Howshall called me. We had talked about getting together with another couple of couples to set our final plans for meeting regularly as a discipleship group. She wondered if we were still able to make it that night, and if we were planning on it.

I hadn’t yet talked with Marilyn about Tim’s habitual angry behavior or about all the things the Lord was showing me concerning him. As a matter of fact, I had not really ever told anyone about his habitual anger, and so I was hesitant. “I don’t actually know if we’re coming tonight. I asked Tim about it, but he’s really angry with me, not speaking to me, and so he won’t answer me about it.” Marilyn talked with me some about the situation. I can’t really remember now what we talked about, but I know she was probing me to find out if I had a right attitude about it, and if I was obeying my conscience and handling the situation above reproach and in love. She encouraged me to keep my loving attitude toward him like I was, and asked me to let her know if I was able to find out if we were still coming that night.

I asked Tim again if he was thinking we would go, and he managed an “Okay, Whatever” with great irritation at having to utter some words in my direction.

That evening after the bulldoze contractor left, we got in the car to head to our meeting. Tim drove in silence using his body language and facial expressions to make it clear that he wasn’t interested in speaking to me, so I silently prayed for him all the way there.

During the meeting Marilyn talked a great deal about truth-telling, and getting rid of our flesh and pride and then we stood up to pray. During the prayer time Tim began to confess in prayer that he wanted to be free of pride and tell the truth about his flesh and draw closer to the Lord. I was very glad to hear him pray this way and when he was done I lightly rested my hand on his back. He reached back and flicked my hand away like it was a nasty bug and added a glare back toward me.

After prayer we spent some time socializing with the others. Tim acted like nothing at all was wrong except to weave seemingly light-hearted comments into his conversation that I had been “nagging” him. When we got back into the car the walls of his stony, angry grudge behavior came right back up. We went home and proceeded to bed just like we had done the night before with him making an obvious show of avoiding me in every way.

The next day he went about doing this and that in order to avoid looking in my face or speaking to me. Marilyn called to see how I was doing. At that point I wasn’t doing very well. That morning I had begun to nurse angry thoughts toward him which I shared with Marilyn. I told her how he made it seem in the meeting to everyone else like he was all humbled and ready to change, praying to be free from pride and his flesh and then he continued to emotionally punish me in his flesh all the way home and continuing on into this day as well. I was getting angry at the false front he had put up to the group.

Marilyn quickly spoke blunt truth to me saying something like, “You cannot interrupt God’s processes in Tim by taking up offense and entering into unforgiveness! You’ve got to remain above reproach in this and be long-suffering!” Her strong words of correction had the effect of snapping me out of my unloving self-pitying thoughts and I quickly agreed with her and repented. Tim’s behavior at the meeting with the Howshalls did not go unnoticed by Marilyn. She was well aware that his attitudes were escalating and that he was beginning the process of becoming free of pride, anger, and blame.

I continued through that day (day three) being cheerful gentle and loving with Tim and all the kids, effectively ignoring his continued silent, sulking grudge…….(to be continued here)

P.S. My husband Tim gives me full permission and his blessing to share these stories about our past. He is no longer an angry blaming man who carries grudges. We hope these stories will help others to see controlling and being controlled behaviors in their lives, and come to repentance and reconciliation with the Lord and with the people in their lives.

You can read more of our testimony in Marilyn Howshall’s book Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith.

[originally posted December, 2010]