Telling the Truth??

[from the archives]

(My story is continuing on from my previous posts beginning here)

Throughout the summer of 2006, my husband and I got together every now and then to visit with Jim and Marilyn Howshall. Among other things, we discussed plans to form a once a week discipleship group with other couples. Each time we talked about the group, Marilyn would say something like, “We’re going to be telling the truth at these meetings.” Her statement was often met with the awkward silence of the questioning thought, “Why did she say that?”

One night as Tim and I were driving home from the Howshall’s, Tim said, “Why does Marilyn keep saying we’re going to tell the truth? I’m beginning to think that maybe I don’t know what ‘telling the truth’ means.” I wasn’t quite sure at that time what telling the truth in a group setting would look like either, but I knew what had been happening in my life. Marilyn had been telling me the truth about my unloving ways of relating with her and with my family, and I had been telling myself and God and my family the truth and repenting.

I later found out that in the meetings Marilyn spoke the truth about unloving behaviors in general, encouraging us to be truthful with ourselves and with God. Marilyn continued to speak to us privately about our specific unloving behaviors when we aimed them at her, or when we sought her input.

That same night as we got ready for bed my husband continued to ponder outloud, “Do you think I don’t tell the truth about something?”

I couldn’t believe he was actually asking me that question! My mind was instantly flooded with all the objective things the Lord had been showing me about my husband’s unloving behaviors. So I slowly and thoughtfully said, “Yes.”

He was a bit surprised that I had said that, so he responded with, “Well why don’t you tell me what it is?” I quickly stepped into the walk-in closet in order to hide my SHOCK! My husband was actually inviting me to tell him about his unloving ways! I began quickly praying as my mind was racing with what to talk about first. I wanted to make sure this opportunity was well spent and profitable for leading him toward love. I thought of all the things I could say, but I quickly settled on talking to him about his ways of blaming.

I had come to see that he could not bring himself to accept blame or responsibility for anything that happened or that he did, and so over the years he had made a habit of shifting blame onto others for any little thing that didn’t go quite right according to his image of how they ought to be. He was so practiced at this relational habit that he blamed others, even when there was nothing to be blamed for.

For instance if he was trying to drive out of a parking lot, but there was too much traffic so that he had to wait a few moments, he would begin to rant about how the other drivers were not spacing themselves rightly and the stop lights down the street were not timed properly, implying that it was a conspiracy between the city and all the other drivers to keep him from exiting the parking lot. The Lord had shown me that Tim’s habit of blaming others was the source of his anger, because he justified his anger in believing that everything was someone else’s fault, done maliciously to harm him or prevent him from doing what he wanted to do. He wasn’t aware of his consistency in doing this because it was so habitual. So I said, “Well, you blame people for things they haven’t actually done.”

“Like what?” he challenged.

I was so flustered because of my sudden opportunity that I couldn’t think of a really clear and specific example right then so I suggested that I point it out next time he did it.

Growing uncomfortable with the turn of the conversation where he realized he might be to blame for something, he reluctantly agreed, but then added, “You can tell me, but only once or twice.”

I drifted off to sleep thinking of how thankful I was that my husband had actually invited my input as I prayed for him. I wanted to make sure to pick a really clear example of what I was talking about so that I could show him while it was happening.

The next day I was on the look out for a very clear example to show him so that he could see it. His way of blaming was wound into almost all his communications, and it was so habitual that he didn’t recognize it as an unloving behavior—a dishonest, untruthful behavior.

In the afternoon we were finishing loading up junk from our barn into our utility trailer to take to the dump. Phillip was helping Tim put the back end on the trailer. He and Tim were each installing the two wing nuts that hold the back on when the one Phillip was working with tumbled through his fingers and landed on the floor of the trailer in the corner surrounded with old carpet, garbage bags and drywall chunks. Phillip uttered an oops while trying to reach down into the trailer to get it back out. He could see it, but his arm was just not long enough to reach it.

It appeared to Tim as though Philip was digging in the junk. “What are you doing?!” he accused, revealing irritation caused by his assumption that whatever Phillip was doing was bad.

Phillip began to explain, “I dropped the wing nut, it’s right there but I……”

Tim harshly interrupted, “What did you do that for?!!” He came around to Phillip’s side of the trailer. With escalated irritation, “Well I can’t get it out with you in the way!!” He shooed Phillip away with irritated hand motions while expressing a sharp breath of disgust. His long arm easily reached the wing nut and he roughly twisted it on the bolt making a show of his offense of having to do what he thought Phillip should have been doing. Phillip went off to the garage to collect the tarp and straps.

I had already begun to confront Tim when he treated the kids this way, but this time I used the interchange to show him specifically how he was untruthful in blaming others for things they didn’t do.  I calmly and frankly said, “You just spoke to Phillip as though he meant to throw the nut in the trailer. You spoke to him as though he intended his actions maliciously, intentionally trying to cause you problems. This is what I was talking about last night. You blamed him for being malicious and intentional when he was not. There was nothing to blame anyone for. Dropping the wing nut was a simple accident.”

Tim didn’t argue with me, but he didn’t respond either. He silently walked away to the barn.

The next night, we got together with Jim and Marilyn Howshall and another two couples. Throughout the evening, Tim made a point of weaving into his conversation comments that I had been nagging him. He acted as though he was joking so that his public blaming stabs at me would seem socially acceptable, but he was not joking.

I asked myself, examining my conscience, “Was I nagging him?” No, I was not, my conscience was clear. He was blaming me for something I was not doing. I soon looked up the word “nag” in the dictionary so that I could know what it actually means to nag. It said; to scold, so I looked up scold—to chide (rebuke in anger) with rudeness and boisterous clamor. I realized not only was I NOT nagging, but HE was nagging us when he blamed us in his habitually angry way. People in their flesh regularly project their own behaviors onto others.

From that time on, I continued to point out to Tim his blaming ways in truth. Although I was glad for his original agreement to my truth-telling, I realized I didn’t need his permission to obey the leading of the Lord as I cooperated with Him in the ministry of reconciliation—2 Cor. 5:18-20. I realized Tim needed to stop shifting blame and assuming that others were malicious, intentional or stupid. It was key to his freedom from anger. The Lord was showing me the way to lead him toward freedom from his flesh (his self-centered ways of thinking and behaving).

I was moving from only knowing what NOT to do, to knowing what I needed to do instead out of love, for Tim’s sake. Each time I lovingly confronted him with the truth about his behavior, I knew I was continuing to walk away from my own fleshly ways of fear of confrontation and trying to fix his anger by taking on blame for things I didn’t do. (see Not My Fault)

Beginning around that time, Tim ramped up his resistance to hearing the truth coming from me. His angry outbursts and blaming became more intense…..

My story continues here.

P.S. My husband Tim gives me full permission and his blessing to share these stories about our past. He is no longer an angry blaming man. We hope these stories will help others to see controlling and being controlled behaviors in their lives, and come to repentance and reconciliation with the Lord and with the people in their lives.

[originally posted December, 2010]