More False Personality Exposed

[from the archives]

After I took my kids out of band and choir as I wrote of in my last blog post, many opportunities for Christlike character development surfaced in the kids. These were things that I know I wouldn’t have seen or been able to address if they’d stayed in their peer environment.

In the band experience Rachel had wanted to play the hardest and most infrequent instruments. She realized after leaving the band that she wanted to play them because of the glory and attention it would bring her from the teacher and the other kids. Without the incentive of the band and the peers, she no longer had the same strength of desire to play those instruments. She had been shaping and twisting her own personality in order to get glory for herself. She could not see this motivation in her heart until we left, and neither could I.

At home she began a process of really paying attention to what God put in her to do. She soon realized that she really loved to make music with others. Phillip on the other hand discovered that he really liked to make music by himself, and he dove into instruments that are pleasant to listen to all on their own.

Rachel often asked Annie and Phillip to come play music with her. At first they eagerly did so, but they soon realized that they didn’t have quite the same passion for playing music together as Rachel did. Rachel didn’t have the same power over Phillip and Annie that the band and the peers had.  She could not use peer pressure or group mentality to get them to cooperate. Siblings don’t have the same motivating affect as peers because siblings tend to know each other through and through. Phillip and Annie wouldn’t be giving Rachel any glory for playing a certain instrument because their relationships are more grounded in reality than peer and group interactions.

I was able to address Annie and Phillip about playing music with Rachel. I talked with them about how loving it would be to bring themselves to be interested in playing the kind of things Rachel would enjoy playing. They could give music playing to her as a self-sacrificing gift because of love.

At the same time I found Rachel at times getting irritated with her siblings that they didn’t want to play music with her as often and as long as she liked. I talked with her about coming to understand that they didn’t have the same desire for it as she did, and that she needed to lovingly release them from the expectation to cooperate with her plan.

As the three of them made heart level attitude adjustments about playing together, their times of making music became all the more sweet.  Rachel became grateful for their participation while Phillip and Annie were blessed to be generously giving their cooperation in order to bless Rachel. They all ended up being blessed in the music they made together.

At times Annie would want to play more challenging pieces with Rachel. This necessarily put Rachel in the position of teaching and correcting Annie in the music because Rachel had more skill. It would go well for the first 20 minutes or so, but soon I would overhear their discussion. Rachel was irritated, and Annie was crying, “It’s too hard!”

I talked with them separately on these occasions. Rachel was irritated because she was trying to instruct Annie, but Annie would reach a point where she simply gave up and would no longer try. Rachel was convinced that Annie had the ability to move forward and increase in skill, but she just wouldn’t try. I talked with Rachel about speaking more softly, being more patient, coming to understand Annie better, and being better at encouraging her. I talked with Rachel about forgiving Annie and not taking up offense at her actions.

Annie had a false expectation of herself. She wanted to be successful at her every attempt, and when she would encounter a section of the music that did not come easily to her, she would shut down and refuse to try. At Rachel’s encouragement she might take a stab at it, but the moment she tripped up or missed a beat, she would schlump down in frustration with herself. The more Rachel tried to encourage her to just stumble through, the more she resisted until she just broke down in tears.

I talked with Annie about her attitude toward failure. It takes time to learn how to do something well and beginning failures are expected. She had false expectations for herself rooted in pride and in her own need to view herself as perfect. I spoke with her about how she was treating Rachel because of her pride. Instead of being grateful for Rachel’s help, teaching and encouragement, she was blaming Rachel and making her teaching difficult with her resistance, and controlling and manipulating the situation with her tears.

Annie would apologize to Rachel, but we needed to walk through this interchange many times before Annie was free from the perfectionism that held her back and damaged her relationship with Rachel. Each time it happened the apology came quicker and the tears dried up faster. Rachel stopped taking up offense and soon learned to coach Annie through right thinking with truthfulness, love and grace. I don’t remember when it stopped but the tears of “It’s too hard,” are long gone!

If Annie had stayed in the band, she would never have had to address this area of perfectionistic pride in her life. On the contrary, she would have made sure that she remained among the best in her band class and built herself up in pride and self-righteousness all the more, shaping and twisting her personality into something God never intended for her.

Rachel would not have had the opportunity to learn how to help another through perfectionistic resistance either. By the time Rachel was working with Josiah and Lizzy, she was well versed in how to handle a tearful giving-up attitude. Surprisingly she got to use her skill as she went to on-campus college music classes last year. It was shocking to her to find the very same attitude in her fellow students, all of whom were older than her. Both of us were glad that she was well skilled in handling the situation with grace, truth and love. She would sometimes come home and comment, “Mom, I feel like I have to be the mom to some of them! It’s weird.”

Next blog I’ll write more about the many exciting things that happened in the kid’s lives after we left Band and Choir.

Our story continues here.

[originally posted September 2010]