[from the archives]
I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth getting ready for bed. Lizzy came in. “I need to get a new band aid for my thumb, Mom.” She showed me a ½ inch long shallow slice down the front of her thumb.
“How’d you do that?”
“Missy did it to me.”
Missy is one of our cats. “What were you doing to Missy?”
“I was hugging her.”
“It doesn’t look like Missy appreciated being hugged that way. Could you tell that she didn’t like it?” Lizzy nodded. “Why were you doing it then?”
“Because I wanted to.”
“What do we call it when you do something that pleases you to another that they don’t like?”
Lizzy, having heard this sort of questioning before knew the answer and she soberly said, “It’s mean.”
“Yes,” I said, “It’s cruel. Cruelty is doing undesirable things to others for your own pleasure. I would like you to try and govern yourself from the inside, and keep yourself from being cruel to Missy. Next time you are doing something to her that you can tell she doesn’t like, I know your conscience is going to remind you of our conversation, and I want you to keep yourself from being cruel and mean to her.”
Lizzy soberly said, “Yes Mommy,” letting me know that she was listening to me and planned to obey. Then she proceeded to put on a new band aid.
This is an understanding I’ve taught all my children throughout their childhood. The older kids had the advantage of learning what cruelty is in connection with their younger siblings. Lizzy, being the youngest, gets to learn about it now that we have animals.
When Josiah thinks it’s funny to go around snapping the other kids with the dishtowel while they clean the kitchen, he gets to learn that he’s being cruel. When Josiah thinks it’s funny to ruin Annie’s song by singing loudly and off key whenever she starts to sing something pretty, he gets to learn that he’s being cruel. When Annie thinks it’s funny to change up Lizzy’s name to “Lizzard,” she’s being cruel, because Lizzy doesn’t like that. When Josiah puts a sleeping bag over his whole head and body and walks around the living room for fun, and then Rachel attacks him and pins him to the floor for her own fun, Rachel is being cruel, because Josiah finds that close proximity with a sleeping bag over his head to be frightening.
The next evening I was brushing my teeth, getting ready for bed when Lizzy came in to kiss me good night. As I finished up, she pulled my face close to hers and nose to nose with delight in her eyes she whispered, “Mommy! I governed myself today, and I was not mean to Missy! I let her go when she was done with my hug!” I smiled in her eyes, kissed and hugged her and told her that I was really glad about that!
A couple of days later I asked Lizzy if she was still obeying her conscience in how she treated the animals. She said, “Mostly.” Guilt flashed across her face. Guilt on my children’s faces is obvious to me, because I keep up on the condition of their hearts. I help them to keep a clean conscience, and so their consciences are strong and loud to them. Guilt is an unusual happening, and it is easily seen in their eyes and countenance.
Lizzy proceeded to tell me that she had closed her door at night so that Baby, our other cat, could not get out of her room because she wanted Baby to sleep with her. Lizzy said it was bothering her conscience. I asked her if Baby wanted out. She said that she did, she kept crying to get out. Lizzy quickly and solemnly expressed that she didn’t want to do that to Baby anymore. Her confession and repentance was quick, and the guilt was gone.
Even young children can be led to determine whether the other child, or animal in this case, enjoys or wants what is being done. Children as young as 2 yrs old are totally capable of learning to be careful, and learning to consider how their direct and concrete behavior is liked or disliked by another child, or even by Mommy – especially if it involves causing physical pain or taking things from another.
Let’s begin early, and train our children in what love looks like. Don’t forget moms, to examine your own behavior for cruelty – doing something that harms or displeases another for your own pleasure.
You can learn more about heart-level parenting in Marilyn Howshall’s book Empowering the Transfer of Moral Values and Faith and through Lifestyle of Learning’s new mini coaching programs, Making Heart-Level Connections.
[originally posted September 2010]