[from the archives]
My repentance and freedom from my self-centered ways of being motivated and controlled by my husband’s accusations and anger brought even more changes to our lives. (See the previous posts for the beginning of this story, starting here)
I realized that since I had been receiving Tim’s blame and believing that I caused his anger, I had taught my children the same. I had directed them to rush around with me trying to fix things in an attempt to keep him from getting angry, and I had modeled to them a general fear of Daddy’s arrival home from work each day. They had already developed relational habits of heaping condemnation on themselves for causing Daddy’s anger just like I did.
When I stopped responding that way, the children soon stopped too. They, especially Rachel, became as unaffected by and objective about Tim’s angry outbursts as I was. This was unsettling to Tim. He was used to us quickly responding to his anger, and now he found us all basically ignoring it so he became more angry. But his blaming outbursts no longer had any power over us.
Soon after the events of my previous blog post, I was at a ladies meeting at Marilyn Howshall’s home. Another mom had asked what she should do about her teen-age daughter’s very messy habits in keeping her room. Marilyn began to talk about how unloving it is to leave a mess behind for others to have to step over, deal with or clean up and recommended this mom talk with her daughter and lead her to become more loving by cleaning up after herself.
I had never thought of being tidy as being loving. I had tried often to be a more tidy person because I thought it would make my husband stop being mad at me. My motivation for becoming tidy had been to maintain approval for myself, and I could never do it. I could not become a tidy person with that motivation. However, I was now free from my relational habit of using my husband for my own approval. I became free to learn from the Holy Spirit how to be tidy, and that’s exactly what happened.
From that day on, I began to hear the Holy Spirit through my conscience reminding me to do things like make my bed, close cupboard doors, put things all the way away, and generally clean up after myself. The children rapidly came to do the same as we talked about it. We developed new habits of relating with our stuff and our environment. The amazing thing to me was that it was as simple as being quick to obey my conscience, and it was EASY. I had struggled for years trying with wrong motivation to become tidy and I had always failed.
We had a chore box at the time filled with index cards with different chores on them. I soon discovered that we no longer needed a whole bunch of the cards because we just weren’t leaving messes that needed to be cleaned up.
I told a friend at the time that the Holy Spirit was teaching me how to keep my house tidy. She thought that was pretty strange!
I began to understand what Jesus meant when he said, “I am able to do nothing from Myself [independently, of My own accord–but only as I am taught by God and as I get His orders].….. I do not seek or consult My own will [I have no desire to do what is pleasing to Myself, My own aim, My own purpose] but only the will and pleasure of the Father Who sent Me.” John 5:30
I began to desire to do nothing that wasn’t inspired and led by the Holy Spirit in every area of my life. I am so thankful for the Holy Spirit’s desire and ability to parent me in every way! Thank You Lord!
You too can learn how to be parented by the Lord. Read Marilyn Howshall’s book, Empowered—Healing the Heartbeat of Your Family.
My story continues here…
[originally posted November, 2010]
That reminded me of this verse too…And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men Col 3:23 thank you for sharing & being “real & authentic” Have a Blessed Thanksgiving Day~
Thank you so much for all you are teaching me. I look forward to every blog post and am praying about how to apply it to my own situation. Is your husband blogging somewhere? I am actually probably more like him and would like to hear about how he overcame his anger, especially about messes!
Kathleen,
My wife, Barbie, helped me to see where my anger was coming from. It was really self-protection. I didn’t want to look badly or be blamed for anything, so my own insecurity about the way our house looked and other things motivated my anger. Barbie helped me see that my angry outbursts didn’t have anything to do with anyone else. My anger was coming from within me and it made me have wrong perceptions of situations and what was happening. I came to see that I was more concerned with my image than I was with how I was treating my family. I didn’t want to treat them that way anymore. I don’t want to leave you with the impression that I changed over night. There were gradual changes in my behavior and in the way that I treated my family over the course of more than a year before I was finally free. ~ Tim ~ Barbie’s husband
Thanks very much for replying. You sure hit the nail on the head about being more concerned about my image than about how I am treating my family. Thank you.
Thank you for all these posts. I have been controlled and controlling. I needed to hear all of what you’ve said. Even though I’ve made progress forward, I still do not think I’ve grasped the depth of sin in using others. Thank you for helping me see.
Thank you for sharing in these posts about the sins you came to recognize. I have recognized in myself anger, insecurity, fear of rejection, fear of conflict, etc. I have seen these for quite awhile and have prayed about them, but I feel so consistently defeated. And it seems the more that I focus on changing, the worse I am. The times I feel free are when I am just enjoying life and not focused on how much I or my husband or kids need to change. How do I find the freedom of greater obedience to God without feeling this heaviness of being “in trouble” all the time.
Dear Debbie,
None of the sins you mention are in isolation. When you engage in those sins, you will be hurting/using the people in your life for your own gain. True repentance and freedom comes when you no longer want to use and hurt others, beginning with your husband and children. If you merely want to be a better person or be a better Christian, then your motivation is not one of love, but of self-serving self-righteousness. Feelings of false guilt and defeat are symptoms of self-condemnation which is not repentance. God doesn’t have condemnation for you. He wants to lead you toward learning how to love by being more concerned about the people in your life than you are about your own condition. Change comes when we learn to be motivated by love, which is the opposite of being motivated by self, such as self-condemnation and self-righteousness. The focus of changing needs to be for you, because you can’t help your family change until you have changed. Love does not include anger, insecurity, fear of rejection, and fear of conflict. The process of change is learning how to love. ~Blessings, Barbie
Barbie, thank you for your insight. Wow. I see how the guilt and focus on all that needs changing is self-centered while love is looking outward and upward. I have held onto the sin of perfectionism, which demands that I get everything right before I allow myself to walk in the freedom that Jesus promises–a freedom to live in His kingdom of Love. By His grace, I will choose today to receive His unconditional, lavish love and give that love to my family.